For the past few weeks I have been praying for today, as have so many of you. We had an ultrasound to remeasure my cervix length, which was measuring shorter than the normal preferred length. If this was indeed the case it would potentially result in me needing a cerclage in hopes of avoiding pre-term labor. I had come to terms with this possibility, but my heart didn't want to handle any more "risk" this pregnancy.
There was my usual ultrasound tech in the room today along with another one who was training. They started the ultrasound, talking in terms to one another that made no sense to me. I laid there anxiously staring at the screen, not seeing the baby, and not understanding what we were looking at. I asked, "Is it long enough? Is it okay?". When they said "yes" tears streamed from my face. They then explained that before I measured a 2.9, normal was 3, and today I measured 3.3 to 3.4! There was some extra fluid in the last ultrasound and much of that had shrunk - more good news. There is one area of concern they will continue to monitor. My placenta is sitting a bit lower, but as the uterus grows and makes more room that will often correct itself. I am praying that is exactly what happens!
At the end we did get to see our little pumpkin. So big and so adorable. We have an active little pumpkin, bouncing all around, and a fast 157bpm heart rate. Tears of joy and relief continue to flow. Thank you for surrounding us in prayer. I am praising God tonight, even through my emotional exhaustion and runny nose!
My sweet Hackett. He cried on Christmas, big tears, missing Koen. missing being a brother. After he hugs me he sweetly he hugs my belly. He did this Koen, even for weeks after Koen died. Still needing to have a connection to him in some way. He will come in from outside and tell me things Koen has written in the clouds for him. A few weeks ago a bluebird landed on our windchimes, windchimes we had gotten as a gift after Koen's passing. Little signs from our Little Muffin that Hackett savors.
On Friday, when snuggling in bed he started to talk and sing to the baby. "Hi Adora or Tobin, this is your big brother. I love you." He is once again getting attached to the idea of being a big brother. He asked me if we would have another baby after this one. When I told him the answer was most likely, no. His response was, "I would be the best helper, mom." His desire for a sibling is great. On Saturday I started to get out my maternity clothes, the bump has popped much quicker this time. He laid on my bed while I rearranged my closet. Asking me all sorts of questions, like if I had saved my clothes from Koen and if he will take the big brother class again. Then he just stated so matter of fact, "well, sometimes the baby comes out alive and sometimes it doesn't." It as if he knew he needed to bring his excitement back down to reality. I also do this, but it is heartbreaking to see him do the same. He seems to be more emotional the past few weeks, it could be he is missing his daddy time (Kev has been working 12 hour weekend shifts) or maybe the weight of this is heavier on him than we realize. Please pray for my Hackett.
I had blood work and a few other tests run on Friday. I pray all is normal. I go on Thursday for another ultrasound to check my cervix length. I pray that this falls into the normal range as well. I am still spotting, but it is much better than last week. It is just so much harder this time. I wish I could fast forward to July.
Today is a better day
I want to thank so many of you for your prayer support. I am feeling them. The bleeding is getting lighter and is no longer red. I am thankful for that. I experienced bleeding with Koen as well about this same time. When it happened with him I was curled up in a ball crying too. It is a scary experience. One that requires faith and prayer.
I have reflected on the news of my shortened cervix. News that I received while teaching (it was call then or wait until Monday). They are being cautious. I don't think it is that much shorter than the norm. If it is verified to be shorter than they are comfortable with, then there are procedures that can be done to assist me with that issue. Is it still freaky? Yes, but I have settled down.
Many of you have sent me messages and texts. I am struggling to reply today. I am just in a quiet place. Thank you for reaching out - it truly means so much.
Kevin has been working a rotating shift schedule since September and we are ready for it to be over. He is working 12 hour shifts this weekend. Thankfully my dad picked up Hackett today and is keeping him for the night. Fun for Hackett and rest for me. While Hackett was packing this morning he asked if I thought Koen would go to Bumpa's (my dad) with him too. With tears in his eyes he told me he thought Koen is going to follow him in the clouds everywhere he goes in this life. He often comes in from outside and explains messages he sees from Koen in the clouds. Faith like a child.
Lows, highs, and more lows
Low: Last Saturday I had a scare.
High: I was anxious all week and yesterday morning we got to hear the heartbeat of our little LPS and it brought me such joy.
Low: Last night I started spotting. This afternoon I would now classify it as bleeding. I had Koen one week after my issue. Tomorrow would mark that one week date again. After a few tearful phone calls they are assuring me that because no cramping is present I am okay ... for now. I also learned today that my cervix measured shorter than they would like and this could cause me issues down the road like pre-term labor. I go in two weeks to have an ultra sound to re-check measurements.
I sit here scared. Pleading to God to not take two babies away from me in one year. I am low and ask that you help raise me up.
It feels strange to celebrate anything since May. I have been able to pull it together over the last month for Hackett's sake. On Kevin's birthday I ended up in tears at dinner, because it wasn't as special for him as I usually try to make it. Life is different. Today is different. How weird to celebrate me and my birth this year.
The boys are trying to make today really special for me and it doesn't go unnoticed. This morning I got my cards from them. This is the one Hackett chose for me. He wanted this one, so it could be from Koen too. I started crying and he gently whispered, "are those happy tears or sad tears?". I just nodded yes. How sweet and how horribly sad that he thought of his dead baby brother on my birthday.
I am 34 today. I had Hackett at 26, just 11 days before my 27th birthday. If we are blessed in July with Little Pumpkin Seed they will be almost 8 years apart. This span in age boggles my mind when I think that when Hackett is a senior this new little one will be in 4th grade. I know there will be blessings with this age difference, but the guilt of not having them closer weighs on my heart.
Kevin and I started to date when I was 17. At 34 that is half of my life. Kevin has been by my side for more years than he has not. We never broke up in all our years of dating. We remained solid. We are each others rocks. How thankful I am to have had safe arms to fall into this year, even if they were hurting too.
Even in this year of sadness I am so thankful for my little family. Thankful for my rock, my big hearted little man, my little muffin, and my little pumpkin seed. We are all family and always will be.
Need a blast of prayer
Little Pumpkin Seed and myself are in need of some prayers. I am facing a minor common issue during pregnancy, however the same minor common issue occurred one week before Koen's birth. I was told it was unrelated to Koen's death, but it still bothers me. I was in contact today with the on-call doctor and he has assured me I am okay and that death by E.coli in the first trimester is unheard of. While I am thankful for the reassurance it has shaken me and flashbacks are swirling at a high rate. I am a puddle if tears. I believe in the power of prayer and am in need of it. Thank you my dear friends.
A New Year. A New Hope.
This is my third New Year’s being pregnant. Seven years ago today, while getting ready for bed, contractions started. I was scheduled for a caesarean, had taken no birthing classes, and we were clueless. Kevin forced me to get into the car and we threw a bag together quickly. We had a long drive to the hospital, a drive that typically took 90 minutes we did in 60. By the time we were at the hospital Hackett was ready to come out and I was hurriedly rushed into the OR. We didn’t even have our camera. We weren’t ready, but it didn’t matter as we held the most amazing gift in our arms. From that day forward our entire world has revolved around Hackett.
Today, I find myself reflecting, just as I (and all mothers) do every year. This year it feels different. Hackett has grown by leaps and bounds this year. My little boy is gone. I adore my big man, but I miss my little guy. I was ready to have another little guy in our house this year, but he is not. I had Koen in my belly last New Year’s and was excited by all that 2013 would bring us. It brought us another birth that we were not ready for. It brought us another amazing gift that we were able to hold in our arms, but then had to let go of. It has brought us yet another pregnancy. It has brought joy, but so much pain.
I love holidays, but New Year’s is not at the top of my list. I enjoy it, but mostly because it extends the Christmas season. This year I was eagerly anticipating its arrival. I was ready to say goodbye to this heartbreaking year. I don’t make resolutions, not my thing. I saw this year the suggestion of taking on a theme for the New Year and it resonated with me. Hope. 2014 is the year of hope for me. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
I am Jackie.