It feels strange to celebrate anything since May. I have been able to pull it together over the last month for Hackett's sake. On Kevin's birthday I ended up in tears at dinner, because it wasn't as special for him as I usually try to make it. Life is different. Today is different. How weird to celebrate me and my birth this year.
The boys are trying to make today really special for me and it doesn't go unnoticed. This morning I got my cards from them. This is the one Hackett chose for me. He wanted this one, so it could be from Koen too. I started crying and he gently whispered, "are those happy tears or sad tears?". I just nodded yes. How sweet and how horribly sad that he thought of his dead baby brother on my birthday.
I am 34 today. I had Hackett at 26, just 11 days before my 27th birthday. If we are blessed in July with Little Pumpkin Seed they will be almost 8 years apart. This span in age boggles my mind when I think that when Hackett is a senior this new little one will be in 4th grade. I know there will be blessings with this age difference, but the guilt of not having them closer weighs on my heart.
Kevin and I started to date when I was 17. At 34 that is half of my life. Kevin has been by my side for more years than he has not. We never broke up in all our years of dating. We remained solid. We are each others rocks. How thankful I am to have had safe arms to fall into this year, even if they were hurting too.
Even in this year of sadness I am so thankful for my little family. Thankful for my rock, my big hearted little man, my little muffin, and my little pumpkin seed. We are all family and always will be.
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I am Jackie.