I have not written since May. I write when I need to cry and process, and this summer was good - busy - but filled with joy and peace. This week though my peace seems to be shattered. I quite literally feel like throwing up. My insides are torn up at the horror that occurred in Las Vegas. How many families sent their babies and spouses off for a night of fun only to have then gunned down in such a senseless and sick way. I can't watch the video footage, I can't watch the news, can't look at the pictures, and read the stories. I am just filled with too much pain for them. Too much worry for our future. No where seems safe - churches, airplanes, movie theaters, schools, hotels.
A blog I wrote two years ago popped up in my memories this week, where I pleaded with Jesus to keep my two babies here on earth safe. It seems to be my daily plea. I have endured loss, and I am not sure I could face it again. I can't climb back up from the depths again, its too painful, I am too attached, love them far too much. I fear my heart would break and be un-repairable. How many parents have lost their children this week? Oh, I ache.
I find myself asking Jesus, WHY????
There are so many things I don't understand, and never will. But turning to him, even in my anger and frustration and horror is the only way I know to cope, and the only way I find peace ... maybe not today, but in the days ahead. The morning after I delivered Koen a nurse that I only saw once, whispered to me "we live in a fallen world, sweetie". It continues to be the only answer that make sense. God had beautiful plans for this world when he created Adam and Eve. But having someone love you and honor you by fear and forcefulness doesn't feel good - does it? Having someone love you and respect you for you is one of the most fulfilling feelings. God didn't want to force us to love him and honor him. He allowed choice, and in that choice evil crept in, the evil that is always lurking. Adam and Eve chose to disobey, and with that came consequences. They were cast in to the world. This world where God is ever present, but where evil is allowed to roam, where choices can be made, where diseases exist. Where a bacteria is present that killed my baby, where a crazed man took so many innocent lives, where cancer plagues my friend laying in the hospital, where hate lives and multiplies. I think God's heart was broken by Adam and Eve, and he ruled with a mighty hand - like we do sometimes as parents - but then he was ready to just let us run to him when we were hurt. He chose to give the human race grace, he wanted to hug us up and love us and be there in a moment when we needed him. He sent Jesus. And now in this world God is there with open arms waiting for us to run to him, seek refuge in his arms, and choose to love him - despite the hurt and pain and even our questioning. We were never promised perfect here on this earth, but we promised forgiveness and love and heaven.
This is what I cling to, someday I will know this, and Koen will be with me then:
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4
I can't make sense of this my friends, and I will continue to grieve the horror. But I have to give it to God, or I will live in constant fear and pain, and life is far to precious.
On the night Hackett chose to be baptized, and let God carry it for him. Jesus and Koen painted the sky for us in celebration. One of the most magical nights of my life.
I have to trust that Jesus will hold these two and protect them, I can't fathom life without them. Its too heavy and hard to fear ... you can have it, Jesus.
I am Jackie.