The first day of school has never been fun for me.  Kindergarten.  I rocked kindergarten, but after that the fun was over for me.  I was anxious, scared of all the new and unknown, sad to say goodbye to summer and the freedom of my creative time.  My mom tells the story of how I cried so hard the night before school started that I couldn't even speak.  "I.  Don't.  Want.  To.  Go.  To.  School." I would say while sobbing.  Then I went to college, and it didn't get any easier.  So difficult for me, that I came home after one semester, and returned the following year.  But every start of the semester was hard.  Traumatic.  When I taught I was anxious too.  And then my high schoolers stared at me like I was an alien.  That didn't exactly help to ease my nerves.  

Poor Hackett, who has so much of his daddy, is oh so much like his momma.  He has the same feelings, and there are a lot of them.  On Monday, he was very anxious, and blue.  I was trying very hard to hide the fact that I was feeling the exact same way.  Now as a mom the first day of school continues to be traumatic.  I drop my heart off at the classroom and don't pick it back up until the end of the day.  I also grieve for the summer that is coming to close, a year in his life that is done, the growing up continuing to happen at a faster rate than I would prefer.  I was being positive all day on Monday for Hackett, while tears were falling from my cheeks in my alone moments.  Then on Monday evening God gave us both a special gift, reassurance from both his teacher last year and this year, showed up in my email.  Both these amazing women were being so sensitive to Hackett's needs.  Once he is transitioned he does amazing, but he has to get over that hump.  A weight was lifted from both our shoulders.  He hugged me and smiled a peaceful smile.  A few simple words gave him the courage to be brave, and then my tears turned to those of gratitude, knowing that God always has us held in his hands.  

Yesterday, was his first day of school, and I eagerly awaited picking him up all day.  I saw a smile from down the hall.  He had a great day, was excited to go back again today.  I made him pose for one more picture after school, and as we walked to the car, his arms - that are getting so long - wrapped around and clung to me as we walked.  Relief. 

There are so many first days ahead of him ... and me.  So thankful to know that God will be there to catch us each time we jump.

Struggling with the images today. I cannot even bear to read more than the headlines right now. My heart is shattered for little Aylan's mom, and the countless momma's who are trying desperately to keep their babies safe. Safe. I don't leave home without Tylenol and a five point harness car seat - still rear facing - for Tobin, and this momma ... I cannot imagine.   I just read this and it articulated my feelings so well.

*** I just got the courage to read. It gets even worse. Aylan's 5-year-old brother and mother also drowned. Their father is all that remains. I am broken for him.

https://instagram.com/p/7Lh-1EOY--/

Tears roll down my face, remembering what it is like to hold a dead lifeless baby in my arms.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/09/dear-alyan-dear-world-with-a-refugee-crisis-dear-all-of-us-who-have-needed-to-be-welcomed-in/