I don't cry much anymore. For months I cried every single day often making myself cry during the evenings, knowing that I needed to get out the lump that was in my throat all day, During Tobin's pregnancy I tried not to cry - even when I felt a wave of emotion - for fear of not being able to regain my strength and fortitude. I knew that if I began to break down, I may not be able to pull myself back up. Then I had him, and my days are busy, very little time that is all my own. My cheeks are dry most days, I keep things reigned in. It is what feels necessary as I try to be a good mom and wife, but I am still grieving, it's just done in complete silence. I like to pretend that I'm not anymore, it's so much easier, and I feel like I am "supposed" to have moved on almost three years later. I often wonder if those around me, and even those of you who read my blog, are like "okay, enough already, we get it you're sad". I realize this isn't an accurate depiction, but the doubt and unsuredness about how to travel this path, creeps in to my mind. It would be so much easier if I wasn't grieving anymore, if it would just go away. Isn't that awful? That is the raw truth though. It's not the real desire of my heart, but thoughts that race through my head at times. Wishing I could wake up from the bad dream where my baby dies. It's a horrible, awful dream, but one of beauty too, and that is what pulls me back to reality. I don't want to forget the beauty, I don't want to forget Koen's little three pound body in my arms, and his skinny smooth legs. I don't want to forget the piece of my heart he took with him. I don't want to forget all the things he has taught me about life, and love, and kindness, and empathy, and how to trust God when nothing makes sense. I don't want to forget that Hackett was in Kindergarten and wanted to name Koen, Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, Crusher, or Ud. I don't want to forget that I started to buy him baby clothes exactly three years ago. So this week I am reminded that it is okay to cry. It's okay to have wet cheeks and a snotty nose. It's okay to grieve and take a lifetime to do so.
I am Jackie.