Yesterday evening I laid in bed and just cried. I flashed back to all the events of this year. Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks pregnant. On Friday, it will be 7 months since the wonderfully horrible day of Koen's birth and death. Today I went to see Koen at his snow covered grave to wish him a Merry Christmas. So many family gatherings in the next week, including Christmas morning with our little family, and Koen will be missing ... I will miss him. I always miss him.
New life is growing in me. I began my bi-weekly urine tests today. What an awful reminder of what has been and what could be again. I am thankful for the monitoring, but the truth is my levels with Koen would not have indicated an infection. Our Little Pumpkin Seed is in God's hands and I have to trust He will fill my arms and our home this time. My heart is slowly opening to our little LPS. I have been keeping a wall up trying to protect my heart, but realized this week that will not help. I want to be bonded to this sweet baby, no matter the outcome. I pray I have 50 more years to pour out love, or it may only be months, and either way I don't want to waste a minute. Our little Christmas miracle.
Hug your babies - big or small - this Christmas. Be present. Don't waste a minute.
As I sit here and type I am on the verge of being sick to my stomach. Those uncomfortable feelings have arrived the last few days. The exhaustion set in a few weeks ago. Instead of embracing it, I feel angry. Surprisingly, I have not endured the “anger” stage of grief until now. I am trying to be thankful, trying to convince myself, but it does not seem to be working. When you are tired and not feeling well it is so much harder to buck up.
I am angry that the overwhelming joy I had when learning of my pregnancy with both Hackett and Koen is not present this time. This sweet, precious, Little Pumpkin Seed deserves that same joy and it has been robbed. Don’t misunderstand, this anger and lack of joy, does not mean there is an absence of thankfulness. This anger is not directed at anyone, including myself or God, it is just present. I was robbed of my sweet baby boy and if that is not enough I am being robbed of knowing for certain that this baby will live in our house someday. I find it hard to daydream, wonder, and make plans. When I start to, I stop myself, it feels so scary to get attached. My poor Little Pumpkin Seed.
I am angry that Koen is not here for Christmas. Instead of buying him Christmas presents and dressing him up in “Little Man” attire, I bought greenery for his grave. I tried to make it festive and attempted to rig of battery operated lights while sitting in my car and sobbing. Not the Christmas I had dreamed of. I bought little teddy bear ornaments and instead of kissing the cheeks of my sweet baby boy, I had to kiss the bears that I leave by his grave.
I am angry that I am having to endure “morning sickness” … again. In the end the reward is so worth it, but will I get the reward this time? During this phase with Koen I told Kevin, “Just in case there is any question, this is our last one – okay?” Little did I know. I am angry and feel guilty that I am feeling this way. It may be easy to read this and see that fear has a hold on me. I trust, I have faith, but how can I not fear the outcome? Until you have walked this path you can’t conceptualize the roller coaster of emotions.
I am angry that Hackett is having to walk through this. He prays every day for Little Pumpkin Seed and if I forget during our prayers en route to school he reminds me. His teacher sent home stories that kids had written about themselves. Here is a picture of one that Hackett wrote this September. He has his timing off, we went to Frankfort just weeks after I had Koen, but what is so telling is that this is a milestone to judge his life events. I was joking around with him a few weeks ago saying “I have something really important to tell you”. We do this often and then I say “I love you”. His response to me was a panicked “did we lose the baby?”. He is worried and scared. That makes me angry.
I love my Little Pumpkin Seed so much and I think that is the root of my anger. Hard to be angry for myself, but to feel that my sweet baby is being robbed of what they deserve gets me fiery. It is all part of my journey and this too shall pass, but it hasn’t yet …
We get to see our Little Pumpkin Seed tomorrow. Please pray for our ultrasound and for ability to let go of my anger in God's time.
I have been wanting to write, but by the time the sun sets, so does my energy. Little Pumpkin Seed is wiping mama out, which is a good thing. We have an ultrasound Tuesday and are praying for a healthy report. Thank you for your continued love, prayers, and support. I love you.
I am Jackie.