Celebrate the Sadness
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Christmas

12/23/2013

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Yesterday evening I laid in bed and just cried. I flashed back to all the events of this year. Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks pregnant. On Friday, it will be 7 months since the wonderfully horrible day of Koen's birth and death. Today I went to see Koen at his snow covered grave to wish him a Merry Christmas. So many family gatherings in the next week, including Christmas morning with our little family, and Koen will be missing ... I will miss him. I always miss him.

New life is growing in me. I began my bi-weekly urine tests today. What an awful reminder of what has been and what could be again. I am thankful for the monitoring, but the truth is my levels with Koen would not have indicated an infection. Our Little Pumpkin Seed is in God's hands and I have to trust He will fill my arms and our home this time. My heart is slowly opening to our little LPS. I have been keeping a wall up trying to protect my heart, but realized this week that will not help. I want to be bonded to this sweet baby, no matter the outcome. I pray I have 50 more years to pour out love, or it may only be months, and either way I don't want to waste a minute. Our little Christmas miracle.

Hug your babies - big or small - this Christmas. Be present. Don't waste a minute.

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    Author

    I am Jackie.
    I am a child of the one true King.
    I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Kevin. 
    I am a mom to my three sons - Hackett, Koen (my little angel), and Tobin. 
    I am experiencing loss, heartache, and grief.  On May 27, 2013, at 26 weeks and 6 days I went into the hospital with contractions, only to learn that my Koen's sweet little heart had stopped beating.  
    Tobin was born July 8, 2014.
    I am on a journey . . .

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