Yesterday evening I laid in bed and just cried. I flashed back to all the events of this year. Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks pregnant. On Friday, it will be 7 months since the wonderfully horrible day of Koen's birth and death. Today I went to see Koen at his snow covered grave to wish him a Merry Christmas. So many family gatherings in the next week, including Christmas morning with our little family, and Koen will be missing ... I will miss him. I always miss him.
New life is growing in me. I began my bi-weekly urine tests today. What an awful reminder of what has been and what could be again. I am thankful for the monitoring, but the truth is my levels with Koen would not have indicated an infection. Our Little Pumpkin Seed is in God's hands and I have to trust He will fill my arms and our home this time. My heart is slowly opening to our little LPS. I have been keeping a wall up trying to protect my heart, but realized this week that will not help. I want to be bonded to this sweet baby, no matter the outcome. I pray I have 50 more years to pour out love, or it may only be months, and either way I don't want to waste a minute. Our little Christmas miracle.
Hug your babies - big or small - this Christmas. Be present. Don't waste a minute.