I can only imagine
My body is slowly healing and I am finally able to sit comfortably in the rocking chair in Tobin's room. That is where Tobin and I hung out for a few hours late last night when he was wide awake. I haven't spent much time in his room yet. I was chained to the first floor during my bed rest and came home from delivery with pain.
On July 8th, we woke up at 4:30am to get ready to go to the hospital to have our baby. The anticipation of knowing exactly when your baby will arrive is surreal and not something we have experienced before. For me it was like Christmas morning, mixed with fear and anxiety. Kevin and I arrived at the hospital early and sat in the waiting room for a few minutes. Our nurse came to get us and said, "we're going to room 3". My heart sunk as we walked down the hall. I knew exactly where we were going, to the room where Koen was born. As I walked silently to the room, I thought, maybe this will be good. Maybe it will bring us full circle and provide healing. As we entered the room, tears fell from my eyes. I looked at Kevin and said "this is the room". I couldn't do it, it hurt my heart to just stand there for a few seconds. Our nurse quickly understood and had us go back to the waiting room, tears streaming down my face. They needed to get another room ready so my pre-op was started in triage. In the exact bed that the ultrasound was done that showed us that Koen's heart had stopped beating.
This song seems to be written directly from my heart this week. I'm overwhelmed, and despite all the bumps, so unbelievably happy and thankful. I will forever miss my Koen and he is not ever far from my thoughts, but Tobin has brought healing to our hearts and home. I am overwhelmed with the emotions of having our healthy, full of love, Tobin, safely in our arms.
"All that You’ve done is so overwhelming
I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You
God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You"
Puddle of emotions
On Saturday night I ended up in the ER, because my swollen leg pain was so severe that there was concern of blood clots. The whole experience was traumatic for me as I had to leave Tobin at home with Kevin and feared the unknown. My sweet baby had just be given to me and I was afraid of being admitted back into the hospital. Thank God there were no blood clots and I was able to return home.
My leg pain continues and it is severe. This morning while getting ready to take Tobin for his first doctors visit my legs were aching and throbbing while standing. I was in tears from pain and we decided it was best for me to stay home. Kevin took Tobin and I have just been laying in bed in tears, frustrated that I am still struggling. I feel like a puddle of emotions. I have held it together for months, but now the relief, joy, pain, and frustration seem to be spilling out. I am sure the hormones are to blame for some of this too.
I have to go in today for more blood work to check my liver, as my levels were slightly elevated at the ER. I am waiting to hear from my doctor about my leg pain to see what can be done. My blood pressure is still running on the higher end and I am on the same medication to assist in controlling that. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for my healthy baby, but now I wish I was feeling healthy too so I could enjoy, experience, and savor these moments I have longed for and fought for.
God is good
Tobin Vicor is here and he is perfect. 8 pounds, 6 ounces, and 18 inches, of button nosed, wavy haired, and chubby cheeked perfection.
Thank God and thank you!!!
Tuesday is the big day!
Tobin has been such a good boy. He has listened to us telling him to stay put and grow. I had a huge list of sewing projects to make for him, and today I will finish the very last one. He even let mommy get her crafting done. What a sweetheart. He is giving me some good kicks this morning to let me know he is strong and ready!
In less than 24 hours we will get to meet our little miracle. Amazing. Kevin and I have to be at Midland hospital at 5:30 in the morning and my c-section is scheduled for 7:30. My doctor who delivered Koen, will be there to bring Tobin into the world. The nurses that I have gotten to know at my NSTs the past few months will be there with us too. That brings me such great comfort. There is a small chance that Tobin will still have issues with breathing, depending on the possible severity it could require him to be transferred to Saginaw. We are praying and believing that it will not be an issue for our little fighter. Please join us in that prayer. We have made to full gestation. 37 weeks. I am in awe. God is good. God is so very good!
*We will post pictures and the joyous news as soon as we can.*
That statement almost doesn't seem real. When you hold your breath for so long, you almost forget how to breathe. I am looking forward to breathing again, living again.
On this 4th of July as I feel Tobin wiggling I am looking out the window, watching and feeling the breeze, thanking God that he is still alive. In my body, that was clearly not designed to be the baby factory I used to joke about in college, Tobin has defied all odds. He did not face death inside me like his brother. I will continue to hold my breath these next 4 days, praying that my little fighter keeps battling, and dream of hearing his cry at delivery. I think only then will I accept that Tobin is mine, I get to keep him, he won't be taken from me, that we get to bring him home and watch him grow up. Then I will be able to breathe. I can't wait ...
I am Jackie.