My body is slowly healing and I am finally able to sit comfortably in the rocking chair in Tobin's room. That is where Tobin and I hung out for a few hours late last night when he was wide awake. I haven't spent much time in his room yet. I was chained to the first floor during my bed rest and came home from delivery with pain.

I have spent hours in that rocking chair, in that room that was almost finished, loving on the baby in my womb, but that baby was Koen. As I rocked with Tobin last night my mind was filled with those memories. I stared at the closet filled with Hackett's hand me downs, that I had spent hours removing stains from when I was pregnant with Koen. That was the only time I ever washed Koen's clothes.  I dislike doing laundry, but what I would give to do Koen's laundry a thousand more times. While I prepared for Koen's arrival I loved every second of organizing and hanging his clothes in his closet and drawers. It brought back the memories of baby Hackett and I would dream about snuggling Koen in that same Carter's cotton softness. I would sit in the rocking chair listening to my favorite lullaby album that we played when Hackett was a baby. I sat in that same rocking chair, listening to that same album, clutching a stuffed animal with all my might so my arms would not feel so empty, the day after Koen's birth. Crying deep gut wrenching sobs as I realized all those dreams were lost and that my sweet, precious, beautiful baby was dead.  I never got to rock his life filled body in that rocking chair, in that room, wearing a snuggly cotton outfit. I went into Koen's room often that first week, to touch his clothes, and finish organizing. Then I stopped. If it was perfectly ready for a baby it seemed like it would hurt even more. The room remained I a state of chaos until last month.

I wasn't ready or able to finish Tobin's room until we felt safe.  I wanted to pour love into changing the room from Koen's to Tobin's.  I am thankful for the time on bed rest to finish the projects that now surround Tobin with wonder and love.  It is Tobin's room, it will always be Tobin's room, and it is filled with so much love for him, but part of me will always feel Koen's presence and memory there.  That is where I spent the most deliberate and loving time with him while he was still safely growing inside of me.

I wasn't sure what kind of emotions I would feel after Tobin's arrival.  I feel love, so much love, overwhelming love.  The first few days I would look at Kevin while snuggling Tobin and just mouth "I love him".  I feel relief.  I did not have to bury another baby.  I didn't even have to sit by his bedside in the NICU.  What an unbelievable blessing and miracle he is. Koen does not take any love away from Tobin, in fact I think the opposite.  He made my mommy heart grow even bigger.  In that exact same sense Tobin has not taken my love away from Koen.  I love all three of my boys with all that I am.  I am sure many wonder if Tobin's arrival has made it all better, erased the past.  The reality is that it will never be all better.  We are better, but we will never be all better.  Koen is part of our past, but he will always be present in our thoughts and hearts.  Our arms and house is full, our hearts have grown even bigger, but we are still missing a piece of our family.  The day after Tobin's birth we were in the hospital and it was just the four of us.  I looked at Kevin and Hackett and said, "Look, we're all here, its our Soper family".  Hackett's reply, "Not all of us" and he hung his head.  He feels that missing piece too.  He's right, it will never be all of us in the same room while we are on this earth.

Last night as I showered Tobin with kisses and I love you's while we rocked, this song played on the lullaby album that I listened to so many times with Koen.  "I Can Only Imagine" is a song about the wonder of being in heaven with Jesus.  I can only imagine what it is like to be with Jesus, but my son has a front row seat.  I sobbed as I reflected and prayed last night with my sweet Tobin in my arms, my Hackett sleeping soundly in the other room, and my Koen sitting on Jesus's lap looking down on us.  I can only imagine ...

On July 8th, we woke up at 4:30am to get ready to go to the hospital to have our baby. The anticipation of knowing exactly when your baby will arrive is surreal and not something we have experienced before. For me it was like Christmas morning, mixed with fear and anxiety. Kevin and I arrived at the hospital early and sat in the waiting room for a few minutes. Our nurse came to get us and said, "we're going to room 3". My heart sunk as we walked down the hall. I knew exactly where we were going, to the room where Koen was born. As I walked silently to the room, I thought, maybe this will be good. Maybe it will bring us full circle and provide healing. As we entered the room, tears fell from my eyes. I looked at Kevin and said "this is the room". I couldn't do it, it hurt my heart to just stand there for a few seconds. Our nurse quickly understood and had us go back to the waiting room, tears streaming down my face. They needed to get another room ready so my pre-op was started in triage. In the exact bed that the ultrasound was done that showed us that Koen's heart had stopped beating.

If there was any question about our emotions being interwoven, it was made abundantly clear in the first 15 minutes that they would be. Joy and anticipation (mixed with anxiety) for Tobin who we already loved so much. Heartache and haunting memories for Koen who we miss everyday and love more than most can comprehend. If we had not lost Koen, Tobin would not exist. I had planned to get a tubal at Koen's delivery. The paperwork had been filled out, our little family was complete. Now I can't imagine not having Tobin.  What a mix of unexplainable emotions.  Anyway I think about it, I am without one of my boys who holds my heart in their tiny little hand.  While we felt the pain and loss of Koen that day, the joy and elation of Tobin overwhelmed us.  

The c-section was scary.  When I had mine with Hackett I had already been in intense labor for a few hours, was happy to have that pain stop, and was oblivious to all that was occurring like a tornado around me.  Koen's natural delivery was calm, strangely peaceful in comparison, and would be my choice of delivery every time if it were an option for me.  On the day of Tobin's birth, we were concerned about his ability to breathe, we were relieved to hear his heart beat on the monitor, we understood how fragile life is and it terrified us.  I was very aware of the OR and the tornado of activity this time.  My blood pressure skyrocketed and tears streamed down my face during the surgery, all of my emotions spilling out.  When they pulled Tobin out he immediately began to cry.  I just remember repeating through my tears "He's breathing? He's breathing? He's okay?".  The relief of having a baby born who was breathing overwhelmed my heart.  Kevin went and stood with Tobin, they brought him to me for a quick kiss, and then Kevin went with him to the nursery.  I lay by myself on the operating table and tears continued to spill from my eyes.  It was hard to believe what had just happened and that it was real.  After all this fighting.  Five months of inactivity, hospital stays, bed rest, tests, scary information, infections, we had our baby and he did not need to be transported to the NICU.  Our God is good champion had made it, he was healthy, he was ours, he was breathing.

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Update: My leg still hurts, but there is small improvements each day. I started PT this week and will go twice a week to help rebuild muscle and decrease swelling. My long bed rest, swelling, and sciatic nerve are to blame. My body is completely spent. I was getting frustrated with it, but reminded myself that it carried Tobin to a healthy 37 weeks. A feat I am in awe of. Now I just need the patience to let it rebound from two pregnancies in two years. My milk never came in with Hackett. With Koen it did and I had high hopes that I would be successful with Tobin, but my worn out body could not produce. Instead of struggling and fighting to get minuscule amounts, I have thrown in the towel and given myself a break. Tobin is an amazing baby. He cries briefly when expected, but is quickly soothed. He is happy all day in anyone's arms, and is content to be laid down. He likes floor time already, and when positioned right can role to his back from his belly! At night he cries in our room and his, no matter who is holding him or where he is laying. The only place he is happy is in my arms on the lazy boy, so for now that is what we are doing. When we do that he only wakes up once during the night to eat and doesn't cry at all! It's working, so until mommy heals more that is what we will do!

This song seems to be written directly from my heart this week. I'm overwhelmed, and despite all the bumps, so unbelievably happy and thankful. I will forever miss my Koen and he is not ever far from my thoughts, but Tobin has brought healing to our hearts and home. I am overwhelmed with the emotions of having our healthy, full of love, Tobin, safely in our arms.

"All that You’ve done is so overwhelming
I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You"

On Saturday night I ended up in the ER, because my swollen leg pain was so severe that there was concern of blood clots. The whole experience was traumatic for me as I had to leave Tobin at home with Kevin and feared the unknown. My sweet baby had just be given to me and I was afraid of being admitted back into the hospital. Thank God there were no blood clots and I was able to return home.

My leg pain continues and it is severe. This morning while getting ready to take Tobin for his first doctors visit my legs were aching and throbbing while standing. I was in tears from pain and we decided it was best for me to stay home. Kevin took Tobin and I have just been laying in bed in tears, frustrated that I am still struggling. I feel like a puddle of emotions. I have held it together for months, but now the relief, joy, pain, and frustration seem to be spilling out. I am sure the hormones are to blame for some of this too.

I have to go in today for more blood work to check my liver, as my levels were slightly elevated at the ER. I am waiting to hear from my doctor about my leg pain to see what can be done. My blood pressure is still running on the higher end and I am on the same medication to assist in controlling that. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for my healthy baby, but now I wish I was feeling healthy too so I could enjoy, experience, and savor these moments I have longed for and fought for.

Tobin Vicor is here and he is perfect. 8 pounds, 6 ounces, and 18 inches, of button nosed, wavy haired, and chubby cheeked perfection.

Thank God and thank you!!!

Tobin has been such a good boy. He has listened to us telling him to stay put and grow. I had a huge list of sewing projects to make for him, and today I will finish the very last one. He even let mommy get her crafting done. What a sweetheart. He is giving me some good kicks this morning to let me know he is strong and ready!

In less than 24 hours we will get to meet our little miracle. Amazing. Kevin and I have to be at Midland hospital at 5:30 in the morning and my c-section is scheduled for 7:30. My doctor who delivered Koen, will be there to bring Tobin into the world. The nurses that I have gotten to know at my NSTs the past few months will be there with us too. That brings me such great comfort. There is a small chance that Tobin will still have issues with breathing, depending on the possible severity it could require him to be transferred to Saginaw. We are praying and believing that it will not be an issue for our little fighter. Please join us in that prayer. We have made to full gestation. 37 weeks. I am in awe. God is good. God is so very good!

*We will post pictures and the joyous news as soon as we can.*

That statement almost doesn't seem real. When you hold your breath for so long, you almost forget how to breathe. I am looking forward to breathing again, living again.

On this 4th of July as I feel Tobin wiggling I am looking out the window, watching and feeling the breeze, thanking God that he is still alive. In my body, that was clearly not designed to be the baby factory I used to joke about in college, Tobin has defied all odds. He did not face death inside me like his brother. I will continue to hold my breath these next 4 days, praying that my little fighter keeps battling, and dream of hearing his cry at delivery. I think only then will I accept that Tobin is mine, I get to keep him, he won't be taken from me, that we get to bring him home and watch him grow up. Then I will be able to breathe. I can't wait ...