On July 8th, we woke up at 4:30am to get ready to go to the hospital to have our baby. The anticipation of knowing exactly when your baby will arrive is surreal and not something we have experienced before. For me it was like Christmas morning, mixed with fear and anxiety. Kevin and I arrived at the hospital early and sat in the waiting room for a few minutes. Our nurse came to get us and said, "we're going to room 3". My heart sunk as we walked down the hall. I knew exactly where we were going, to the room where Koen was born. As I walked silently to the room, I thought, maybe this will be good. Maybe it will bring us full circle and provide healing. As we entered the room, tears fell from my eyes. I looked at Kevin and said "this is the room". I couldn't do it, it hurt my heart to just stand there for a few seconds. Our nurse quickly understood and had us go back to the waiting room, tears streaming down my face. They needed to get another room ready so my pre-op was started in triage. In the exact bed that the ultrasound was done that showed us that Koen's heart had stopped beating.
This song seems to be written directly from my heart this week. I'm overwhelmed, and despite all the bumps, so unbelievably happy and thankful. I will forever miss my Koen and he is not ever far from my thoughts, but Tobin has brought healing to our hearts and home. I am overwhelmed with the emotions of having our healthy, full of love, Tobin, safely in our arms.
"All that You’ve done is so overwhelming
I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You
God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You"
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I am Jackie.