On July 8th, we woke up at 4:30am to get ready to go to the hospital to have our baby. The anticipation of knowing exactly when your baby will arrive is surreal and not something we have experienced before. For me it was like Christmas morning, mixed with fear and anxiety. Kevin and I arrived at the hospital early and sat in the waiting room for a few minutes. Our nurse came to get us and said, "we're going to room 3". My heart sunk as we walked down the hall. I knew exactly where we were going, to the room where Koen was born. As I walked silently to the room, I thought, maybe this will be good. Maybe it will bring us full circle and provide healing. As we entered the room, tears fell from my eyes. I looked at Kevin and said "this is the room". I couldn't do it, it hurt my heart to just stand there for a few seconds. Our nurse quickly understood and had us go back to the waiting room, tears streaming down my face. They needed to get another room ready so my pre-op was started in triage. In the exact bed that the ultrasound was done that showed us that Koen's heart had stopped beating.
If there was any question about our emotions being interwoven, it was made abundantly clear in the first 15 minutes that they would be. Joy and anticipation (mixed with anxiety) for Tobin who we already loved so much. Heartache and haunting memories for Koen who we miss everyday and love more than most can comprehend. If we had not lost Koen, Tobin would not exist. I had planned to get a tubal at Koen's delivery. The paperwork had been filled out, our little family was complete. Now I can't imagine not having Tobin. What a mix of unexplainable emotions. Anyway I think about it, I am without one of my boys who holds my heart in their tiny little hand. While we felt the pain and loss of Koen that day, the joy and elation of Tobin overwhelmed us.
The c-section was scary. When I had mine with Hackett I had already been in intense labor for a few hours, was happy to have that pain stop, and was oblivious to all that was occurring like a tornado around me. Koen's natural delivery was calm, strangely peaceful in comparison, and would be my choice of delivery every time if it were an option for me. On the day of Tobin's birth, we were concerned about his ability to breathe, we were relieved to hear his heart beat on the monitor, we understood how fragile life is and it terrified us. I was very aware of the OR and the tornado of activity this time. My blood pressure skyrocketed and tears streamed down my face during the surgery, all of my emotions spilling out. When they pulled Tobin out he immediately began to cry. I just remember repeating through my tears "He's breathing? He's breathing? He's okay?". The relief of having a baby born who was breathing overwhelmed my heart. Kevin went and stood with Tobin, they brought him to me for a quick kiss, and then Kevin went with him to the nursery. I lay by myself on the operating table and tears continued to spill from my eyes. It was hard to believe what had just happened and that it was real. After all this fighting. Five months of inactivity, hospital stays, bed rest, tests, scary information, infections, we had our baby and he did not need to be transported to the NICU. Our God is good champion had made it, he was healthy, he was ours, he was breathing.
Update: My leg still hurts, but there is small improvements each day. I started PT this week and will go twice a week to help rebuild muscle and decrease swelling. My long bed rest, swelling, and sciatic nerve are to blame. My body is completely spent. I was getting frustrated with it, but reminded myself that it carried Tobin to a healthy 37 weeks. A feat I am in awe of. Now I just need the patience to let it rebound from two pregnancies in two years. My milk never came in with Hackett. With Koen it did and I had high hopes that I would be successful with Tobin, but my worn out body could not produce. Instead of struggling and fighting to get minuscule amounts, I have thrown in the towel and given myself a break. Tobin is an amazing baby. He cries briefly when expected, but is quickly soothed. He is happy all day in anyone's arms, and is content to be laid down. He likes floor time already, and when positioned right can role to his back from his belly! At night he cries in our room and his, no matter who is holding him or where he is laying. The only place he is happy is in my arms on the lazy boy, so for now that is what we are doing. When we do that he only wakes up once during the night to eat and doesn't cry at all! It's working, so until mommy heals more that is what we will do!
"All that You’ve done is so overwhelming
I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You
God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You"