Three years ago today we learned that we were pregnant with Tobin, and announced it to the world, in desperate need of prayers and support. I didn't feel ready (but wondered if I ever would), it had been less than 6 months since I had given birth to Koen. As I thought about the possibility of being pregnant earlier that month while I was getting ready for work, I was so overcome with emotion. I struggled to catch my breath, I was sweating, and literally fell to my knees. The fear of just "what if" was too much. So much so that I was prescribed a medication for anxiety, that I never took. I wanted to too, but feared anythings impact of our "what if" baby. Once I knew I was pregnant with Tobin, fear remained, but in a much more manageable way. I knew I needed to seek peace, remain calm. I couldn't let fear be my demise, and his. I thought our road with Tobin would be smoother. After so much testing, it seemed the infection that killed my Koen had been a fluke, unexplainable. The pregnancy with Tobin was not easy, in many ways I have similar trauma from the 9 months I carried him, so many moments I thought we would lose him too. We didn't. He's here, he's healthy. He exhausts me many days. It's not rainbows and sunshine and miracles raining down from heaven everyday. Yesterday he told me he loved me for the first time and it was beautiful. He's smart, his body and mind formed perfectly. He could have been born at 21 weeks, that is what the doctors were preparing for. But my tough little boy fought, that strong spirit that tests my patience on days, gave him the strength to stay put for 16 more miraculous weeks. After two close calls just this week, and they really ar not that close, but they scare me more than I should, I can't lose another baby. I had told Hackett I was still worried about one of Tobin's wild man incidences, and Hackett told me wisely told me "mom, you can't worry about the past." And then quickly added, "But you can worry about the present!" (That's more boy through and through!) I needed Hackett's reminder and the realization that Tobin's fearless nature is what got him safely to us. I need to let him be him, push the limits, test the waters, and learn through it all. What will he be some day? So grateful to sit on the sidelines and be able to watch. So grateful he's here. Three years ago I didn't know if I could say that.
I started to write a blog a few weeks ago, but couldn't find the words. I have no interest in getting in to a political debate, just share my feelings, so I struggled to choose my words carefully. This election year, these candidates, the state of this country, the vote tomorrow and the outcome - no matter which - has been making my stomach hurt. I have been praying all week, pondering, thinking, discussing with those I love and trust. Tomorrow, while I disagree with the candidate on so many things, most of them how he conducts himself personally, I will be casting my vote for Koen. For the sanctity of his life that only occurred in utero, for others like him. I held his 27 week gestation dead body in my arms and he was a baby, a whole perfect baby, flawlessly formed and beautiful. His life mattered.
There seems to be no right choice, no perfect candidate this election year. Both are flawed, my choice is without a doubt. There are so many issues, so many reasons to choose your candidate. This just happens to be mine. What makes this country amazing is that you get to choose, you get to choose what is important to you, you get to cast your vote. And I hope you do just that tomorrow.
So tonight as I am listening to Christmas music, and reflecting on Jesus coming to earth. From the day of his birth he was not accepted by government, his stance was not popular while he was on earth, and he came to save us. He endured all of that because of his love for us.
“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17
My prayer is that you feel his love tonight, find peace in it, and in the coming week, not feel the judgement of others during this time of such uncertainty. And rest assured that God is bigger than this election.
“I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” Jeremiah 32:27
I am Jackie.