I can only imagine

My body is slowly healing and I am finally able to sit comfortably in the rocking chair in Tobin's room. That is where Tobin and I hung out for a few hours late last night when he was wide awake. I haven't spent much time in his room yet. I was chained to the first floor during my bed rest and came home from delivery with pain.

I have spent hours in that rocking chair, in that room that was almost finished, loving on the baby in my womb, but that baby was Koen. As I rocked with Tobin last night my mind was filled with those memories. I stared at the closet filled with Hackett's hand me downs, that I had spent hours removing stains from when I was pregnant with Koen. That was the only time I ever washed Koen's clothes.  I dislike doing laundry, but what I would give to do Koen's laundry a thousand more times. While I prepared for Koen's arrival I loved every second of organizing and hanging his clothes in his closet and drawers. It brought back the memories of baby Hackett and I would dream about snuggling Koen in that same Carter's cotton softness. I would sit in the rocking chair listening to my favorite lullaby album that we played when Hackett was a baby. I sat in that same rocking chair, listening to that same album, clutching a stuffed animal with all my might so my arms would not feel so empty, the day after Koen's birth. Crying deep gut wrenching sobs as I realized all those dreams were lost and that my sweet, precious, beautiful baby was dead.  I never got to rock his life filled body in that rocking chair, in that room, wearing a snuggly cotton outfit. I went into Koen's room often that first week, to touch his clothes, and finish organizing. Then I stopped. If it was perfectly ready for a baby it seemed like it would hurt even more. The room remained I a state of chaos until last month.

I wasn't ready or able to finish Tobin's room until we felt safe.  I wanted to pour love into changing the room from Koen's to Tobin's.  I am thankful for the time on bed rest to finish the projects that now surround Tobin with wonder and love.  It is Tobin's room, it will always be Tobin's room, and it is filled with so much love for him, but part of me will always feel Koen's presence and memory there.  That is where I spent the most deliberate and loving time with him while he was still safely growing inside of me.

I wasn't sure what kind of emotions I would feel after Tobin's arrival.  I feel love, so much love, overwhelming love.  The first few days I would look at Kevin while snuggling Tobin and just mouth "I love him".  I feel relief.  I did not have to bury another baby.  I didn't even have to sit by his bedside in the NICU.  What an unbelievable blessing and miracle he is. Koen does not take any love away from Tobin, in fact I think the opposite.  He made my mommy heart grow even bigger.  In that exact same sense Tobin has not taken my love away from Koen.  I love all three of my boys with all that I am.  I am sure many wonder if Tobin's arrival has made it all better, erased the past.  The reality is that it will never be all better.  We are better, but we will never be all better.  Koen is part of our past, but he will always be present in our thoughts and hearts.  Our arms and house is full, our hearts have grown even bigger, but we are still missing a piece of our family.  The day after Tobin's birth we were in the hospital and it was just the four of us.  I looked at Kevin and Hackett and said, "Look, we're all here, its our Soper family".  Hackett's reply, "Not all of us" and he hung his head.  He feels that missing piece too.  He's right, it will never be all of us in the same room while we are on this earth.

Last night as I showered Tobin with kisses and I love you's while we rocked, this song played on the lullaby album that I listened to so many times with Koen.  "I Can Only Imagine" is a song about the wonder of being in heaven with Jesus.  I can only imagine what it is like to be with Jesus, but my son has a front row seat.  I sobbed as I reflected and prayed last night with my sweet Tobin in my arms, my Hackett sleeping soundly in the other room, and my Koen sitting on Jesus's lap looking down on us.  I can only imagine ...