This is my third New Year’s being pregnant. Seven years ago today, while getting ready for bed, contractions started. I was scheduled for a caesarean, had taken no birthing classes, and we were clueless. Kevin forced me to get into the car and we threw a bag together quickly. We had a long drive to the hospital, a drive that typically took 90 minutes we did in 60. By the time we were at the hospital Hackett was ready to come out and I was hurriedly rushed into the OR. We didn’t even have our camera. We weren’t ready, but it didn’t matter as we held the most amazing gift in our arms. From that day forward our entire world has revolved around Hackett.
Today, I find myself reflecting, just as I (and all mothers) do every year. This year it feels different. Hackett has grown by leaps and bounds this year. My little boy is gone. I adore my big man, but I miss my little guy. I was ready to have another little guy in our house this year, but he is not. I had Koen in my belly last New Year’s and was excited by all that 2013 would bring us. It brought us another birth that we were not ready for. It brought us another amazing gift that we were able to hold in our arms, but then had to let go of. It has brought us yet another pregnancy. It has brought joy, but so much pain.
I love holidays, but New Year’s is not at the top of my list. I enjoy it, but mostly because it extends the Christmas season. This year I was eagerly anticipating its arrival. I was ready to say goodbye to this heartbreaking year. I don’t make resolutions, not my thing. I saw this year the suggestion of taking on a theme for the New Year and it resonated with me. Hope. 2014 is the year of hope for me. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
I am Jackie.