Yesterday I went to the lab for my 3-hour glucose test and blood work to test for any autoimmune disease that I could possibly have. I was feeling more at peace (not great, but more calm) with the tests, but I woke up and was having flashbacks to the day of Koen's birth. My counselor has told me that I have post traumatic shock from that day, which is not surprising. The details used to run through my thoughts more frequently than they do now, for months it was part of my day to relive the events. Now when it comes it is emotional and a bit unexpected. Someone at work earlier this week was trying to make conversation with me, trying to relate, but when people work too hard to do that it can have the opposite effect. The discussion was about finding bad news from an ultrasound. It took back to the moment when we saw Koen clearly on the ultrasound screen, but no beating heart. I knew right away that he was gone.
As I was in the shower yesterday I cried, reliving the memories and not being able to shake the visuals. Kevin's car is still getting fixed after his deer incident and we are down to one vehicle. The boys got up early with me and dropped me off at the lab. I had to do a 12 hour fast and my belly was already starting to growl. It took them 30 minutes to call me back. At that time they had to do a blood draw to test for my fasting blood sugar. She informed me that it had to be sent to the lab for initial results before I would drink the sugary syrup to begin the glucose process. She then gathered a very large pile of vials. It turns out that so much blood had to be drawn for the autoimmune testing - if I had known I would have done it on two different days. After a 12 hour fast they took about 12 vials of blood from me. As she was taking vial after vial I flashed back again to the day of Koen's birth. Right after the ultrasound they came in with a cart and literally filled every color vial they had. They did the same thing the morning after the birth as I laid there with tears rolling down my cheeks. Yesterday took me back to those moments and I tried to choke back the tears.
Now after losing so much blood on an empty stomach I had to sit in the waiting room for 40 minutes before I could even drink the sugary syrup needed for the glucose test. I was tired, emotional, hungry, drained, and just wanted to curl up in my own bed and cry. After reminding them that I was still waiting they called me back to drink the syrup and actually just having something in my stomach made me feel better. I was there for over 4 hours, but it felt like an entire day. I am spent emotionally and am very weepy still today.
Poor Hackett came down with a tummy bug last night, but seems to be slowly improving. We are praying that it doesn't spread through the house. We cancelled our weekend plans. I am thankful to be shut in with my boys watching the Olympics; truthfully that's all I can handle for a few days.
I am Jackie.