My Facebook memories continue to haunt me, while simultaneously helping me heal. Today it was a picture of my first grade Hackett at a class at the hospital for older siblings, as he excitedly was preparing for Koen to arrive. The picture is blurry, but his smile speaks volumes. He had been missing the opportunity of having a sibling, and was over the moon with excitement to not be alone to laugh and play. Overnight that joy was stolen May 27th. It's May now. May is hard. I don't like May. It brings my allergies, and with that reminders of all events leading to Koen's death, even my allergies play a role in the reminders. It the tiniest things that trigger the hurt. May makes my sinuses and my heart hurt.
A blog post of mine from two years ago popped up today too, maybe I can figure out how to link it here. I wrote about missing Hackett's entire baseball season in 2014 (I always hesitate when remembering the year Tobin was born, trying to make sure I don't confuse it with Koen's birth year, even that can be a trigger) as I laid in a hospital bedding fighting for Tobin. Not only did I miss games in 2014, but in 2013 I went to some games pregnant and then showed to to others with no baby and no belly. I was there, but I wasn't there. For an entire year I was physically there at times, but still not present. I was chatting with friend this week about mom guilt and the struggle we have when we can't be all things to our kids and other commitments. I missed an entire year of Hackett's life in so many ways, and it was such a great year. Is there anything cuter than a first grader? Its kind of the perfect age and stage, and I was either counting the minutes until bedtime so I could cry or laying in a hospital bed. There were beautiful moments in between, but that mommy guilt seems to trump that, and instead I often feel the ache of not being present. I struggle missing school events, games, special moments with Hackett. It tears at my heart. I think that is why the grief with Koen, and the loss of a child is so extreme. You take that normal typical mommy guilt, and its amplified by a number that is inconceivable. I missed it all. All of it. Every single moment with Koen is missed. There are no games, no school events, no belly laugh moments. I didn't get any of them. I only got to wash his clothes once. Just one time. No grass stains even. I have missed it all. And in my missing and my ache, I sometimes wonder, am I missing more. In my grief am I missing these two little lives that are in my house right now? I know the answer is mostly no, but it is so hard for me to watch time pass so quickly. No matter how I try these sweet boys of mine just keep growing. I just can't handle the thought of missing more.
My blog post from two years ago:
I am Jackie.