Celebrate the Sadness
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Update

6/11/2014

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A lot has occurred in the last 24 hours. Around 7pm last night I felt a contraction, by the time I hit four in 45 minutes we made our way to Midland hospital, as advised by our OB. Once there the contractions continued, my blood pressure raised, and after a very gruesome pelvic exam (my narrow pelvis makes everything a challenge) it was determined that I had dialated to a 2. I could have been dialated for weeks at a 2, but given my history there was no messing around.

I needed to be hooked up to an IV to start meds to slow contractions and also to treat the high blood pressure, just in case. The nurse that came in to do my IV was the one who held my hand, loved on me, and whispered how beautiful Koen was in my ear the night of his birth. I saw her and lost it. She remembered every detail of that night and held me for a long time last night as I cried. She remembered my IV issues and called in for back up right away so I wouldn't be tortured like I was last year. An ambulance was called and at one point there were more than seven hospital workers in my tiny triage space all tending to me to get me to Saginaw as fast as they could. I went on my first ambulance ride last night, while Kevin followed us. Quite the experience, not comfortable at all. When we arrived the sweet paramedic said, "So, how was it? Pretty "crappy" - huh?"

By the time we arrived in Saginaw I was emotionally and physically exhausted. The residents came into see me, devised a plan, and I continued to be poke and prodded most of the night. At noon my specialist came in to see us to do an ultrasound. Good news is Tobin is big, my fluid looks good, his movements are good, and my contractions have decreased. My BP has also lowered. The E. coli is still a concern, but making a decision based in fear is not advised. Taking Tobin today on our own accord could result in issues, issues that we may kick ourselves over. If he decides he wants to arrive then that is a different situation. Lung development is an concern, even more so because of my gestational diabetes. We will be monitored here until contractions have subsided. If they don't subside then Tobin has made the decision for us. My specialist is double checking the antibiotic for my urinary infection and my urine will be tested before I leave here too. I trust this man, who wishes he could offer up a month of his life for Tobin, but he is thrilled that we have made it this far. So we will be monitored even more closely, trust, and pray. On Monday, I prayed every time I woke up that Tobin would stay put if he was safe and if he wasn't that he would bust out. That is still my prayer. Also praying I get moved out if this hot uncomfortable room without a shower, where I can hear someone getting sick on the other side of the wall, to my other "home" here at the hospital.

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    Author

    I am Jackie.
    I am a child of the one true King.
    I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Kevin. 
    I am a mom to my three sons - Hackett, Koen (my little angel), and Tobin. 
    I am experiencing loss, heartache, and grief.  On May 27, 2013, at 26 weeks and 6 days I went into the hospital with contractions, only to learn that my Koen's sweet little heart had stopped beating.  
    Tobin was born July 8, 2014.
    I am on a journey . . .

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