Yesterday I went to my doctor's office for an ultrasound. I have been having some cramping issues and they wanted to check things out. I woke up feeling good, I had a string of good days and was feeling strong. I didn't dwell on my appointment beforehand and didn't anticipate how I might feel. When the ultrasound technician called my name a wave of emotion washed over me. It is a small office, one technician, one ultrasound room, it was all the same. The only difference is the last two times I had been there Koen was there with me. I could barely speak. Tears fell down my cheeks, so hard that I could hear them hit the pillow. I leaned my head to the side, and stared at the wall. I couldn't bring myself to look at the monitor in front of me. The monitor that I was glued to and couldn't take my eyes off during every other ultrasound I have ever had. No precious baby this time, just an empty womb.
The good news is that all seems well and my body is slowly returning back to its "normal" self. I am also able to return to my "normal" self quicker. I have a moment, shed tears, but move forward. I am still hurting, still broken, but in awe of my healing. I can feel God holding me up each day and that gives me hope. Hope that one day I will make it through the day without crying, hope that I will laugh without it being followed by thoughts of guilt, hope that I will find peace, and hope that one day there will be another Soper baby. I have never doubted my love, this mama's heart has so much love, without love this wouldn't hurt so bad. I have made the decision to cling to my faith, even when things didn't make sense. This week my hope has returned.
1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love.
I am Jackie.