This past week has been one of wonder. It started last week as I was watching the X-Factor on TV. A teenager made it through to the next round and collapsed in tears with their mom. I instantly lost it. Part of grieving Koen is not in reminiscing of memories of all the amazing times we had, but rather all that I will miss. This week I have been wondering what would he be like? What would he have become? As I sat in the pep assembly at the high school for homecoming and the band came marching in, my eyes filled with tears. In that moment I had to choke down my emotion, but I continued to watch all the students and wonder. Would Koen have been a saxophone player in the band, a star athlete, the homecoming king, quiet and studious, or the class clown? I will never know, not in this earthly life.
I must trust. I must keep my faith. I must be courageous. I must be strong. I shared some of this with a dear friend this week and realize that I have not written it here. Without my God I would still be laying in my bed and looking at the leaves on the trees out my window. It is impossible to understand why Koen was taken from us without warning. What I do know is that we live in an imperfect world. Accidents happen, disease exists, and sometimes a baby gets sick in a mothers womb and dies. I am heartbroken and shattered, but I am up and moving forward. I have made the choice to trust and keep my faith in Jesus Christ, but it is Him who has given me the courage to be strong. I will never know why God didn't choose to intercede and take the bacteria from my womb and keep Koen safe. Part of living in this imperfect world is facing obstacles. God does not promise rainbows and butterflies, but He does promise to walk alongside us and even carry us along the journey of life on earth. Some days I have the strength to walk, but other days I would not be able to do what I am doing without Jesus carrying me. His Word is carrying me this week with these two scriptures.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
I have listened to this song on repeat over the past few days. God is carrying me, but my heart is overwhelmed.
When I role on my side in my bed this is my view. The week I lost Koen I just stared at these trees and leaves for hours. Without my God, I fear that is where I would still be. Praise God for the strength and courage to leave my bed and that view.
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I am Jackie.