Hackett seems to be growing up at a rate that makes me uncomfortable. I embrace it, love parts of it, but I find myself grieving the little boy that is quickly becoming a young man. I have good intentions of writing things down in a journal. To remember, but I don't. I have the crazy ability to remember events so clearly, so I was sure I would be fine. Thought I would recall each sweet conversation, every funny word spoke, but I don't. I can remember them for other sweeties in my life, but I see Hackett everyday, and those days and moments all seem to blend together. What I do remember is how completely in love with him I am. I adore him. He is not perfect, even though he believes that is the standard that he should achieve, but he was perfectly made for me. There is no doubt in my mind that God intended me to be his mommy. The joy he brings me is beyond measure. Being a mother is the most beautiful gift, one that is difficult to treasure at all times - amidst the long list of to do's, but it is my favorite thing on the planet. There is nothing I would rather do than be with my kids.
This week I found myself missing California. I always miss my dear friends there, but what I was truly longing for was that time period. We moved there a few months before Hackett turned two and left shortly after his fifth birthday. To me, these were the golden years. I had just him. It was the two of us. Everywhere, everything, we did together. His hand in mine. I may not remember every moment, but I will always treasure that time. He no longer needs my hand to guide him, and I am so proud of the responsible young man I have raised, but I miss the little boy who needed his mommy. it has gone too fast.
I cannot seem to move past the guilt that weighs heavy on my heart for the last two summers. Have you seen that blog about having only 18 summers with our kids? To think that I have lost two of those with Hackett, and at such amazing years, where he wanted to be with me and was grown up enough to go and do, breaks my heart. I woke up a few weeks ago and before I even got out of bed I started crying, grieving the loss of time. Three summers ago, we knew no one, having just moved here, still trying to settle in. We made the best of it, but it was quieter than we were used to. Two summers ago, I spent in a haze of grief, but every day I carried on for Hackett. Last summer I spent in a hospital bed in the living room and recovering from the birth of Tobin. They were hard summers, hard years. Hackett and I had a sweet conversation about the summers past, and he told me this is the best summer ever. I am thankful to be making up for lost time, but it hurts my heart that it is lost.
I am left wondering if I am extra emotional about lost time, because I lost an entire lifetime with Koen? I know I am not alone in the feelings of time moving too fast. If I am this emotional about Hackett going to third grade, what on earth will I be like the summer before he leaves for college?