I have spent my week trying to stay busy. I am not a fan of the process of organizing things (but I do like the end product) or of gardening. This week I busied myself with both of those things. Not actually gardening - it's way too hot - but planning and ordering things to keep me busy this fall. I am busy making sure I am busy. Taking longer on tasks than necessary just to make sure that the time is filled. I can endure this grief in small doses, but facing it all day is just too much.
This Tuesday I would be 35 weeks and I feel my due date approaching. Instead of going in for a checkup, I go to see the fetal/maternal specialist this coming Wednesday. I am anxious and scared. I am excited and heartbroken. I am all over the map. When Koen died he left a hole in my heart and in our home. Our family of three that seemed full before now feels empty. I feel Koen's absence even though he never spent a night in his crib. My arms ache for him. Watching Hackett play by himself makes me feel a void for him as well. Kevin feels this same enormous emptiness in our lives. Another baby will never replace Koen, but we would be able to pour this love in our hearts on a new little gift and be able to fill our house. The hole will always be present, but my hope is that a little Soper baby would help us all heal. This future is all unknown. We don't know if pregnancy will be recommended. If it is, we don't know what the treatment will be to help assist in us not suffering this same heartache again. There will be no gaurentees and that is petrifying. One of things I busied myself with this week was choosing baby names. I know it sounds completely crazy, but I need something to hope for and pray for. I want to believe that I will have three kids someday and that two of them will be on this earth with me.
I am Jackie.