The day after

On Tuesday, after we left the funeral home we went to our church and explained our need.  The pastor who would be officiating sat down with us, in hopes of guiding us through the hurt.  It was very sweet and he prayed.  I also remember him asking each of us if we blamed the other and if at those moments was I willing to give my own life for Koen's.  It was like a blast in the face.  Delivery had happened less than 24 hours before this discussion.  We were reeling from what happened and had barely had a chance to process.  Of course we did not blame one other, our hearts were broken, but no blame.  I wasn't put in a situation to decide if it was my life or Koen's ... he was gone before I even had that chance.  As we walked out of the church I remember feeling shock that I was evening walking - my recovery was much longer with Hackett.  I was in shock that we were making these sorts of arrangements.


When we arrived home my mom was gone and had taken Hackett to the library for a distraction.  Kevin and I just sat in the living room making plans to look at cemetery plots and to order food to have at our house after the funeral on Friday.  There was a surprise knock at the door.  My brother and sister-in-law were sadly in Michigan for another funeral and came to see us.  I remember not being able to speak at first.  Hackett wasn't around and it was the first time around anyone but Kevin I was free to let my emotions go.  We attempted to tell them the story, it had now turned into a story.  My son was gone.