Thanksgiving

Last Thanksgiving felt like an out of body experience for me. I still felt so raw. On a day that is devoted to giving thanks, I had so much to grieve. I felt sadness mixed with immense gratitude. Our earth shattering loss opened my eyes wide. I was seeing everything through a new light and was thankful for the smallest things, thankful for the love and support that was poured out on us, and still in amazement of the very new life growing inside of me.

This past Sunday we had a guest pastor at church. He was speaking on a topic from a certain scripture passage and briefly referenced that he had been studying Psalm 139 as a Psalm of a Thanksgiving. I turned my bible to that Psalm that I know so well during the sermon, checking out from the message that he was preaching, and had my own time with The Lord. Psalm 139 sent to us by Kevin's aunt when I was in labor with Koen. Psalm 139 that was read at Koen's funeral. Psalm 139 that was on our Christmas card last year. Psalm 139 that hangs on our wall. Psalm 139 that I have clung to and know so well. Psalm 139 that I have said as a prayer of desperation.

Psalm 139
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave, you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night--
12     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
    Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
    your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
    Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
    for your enemies are my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I can now read this as a Psalm of thanksgiving.  I love scriptures ability to present itself in different ways at different times in our lives. I am thankful for a God who knows my thoughts, feelings, and words that will come out of my mouth.  I am thankful for a God who goes before me and follows me.  I am thankful for a God who places His hand on my head and blesses me.  How utterly awesome is that?  More amazing than I can even comprehend.  A God who knew me before I was even born.  A God who thinks more precious thoughts about me than I can even count.  A God who knows my many anxious thoughts, and gives me peace to rest.  I am humbled.  This Thanksgiving I am thankful for a God who has not left my side during the most trying days of my life.  A God who was there, when I lay alone so many hours for 21 days at the hospital.  A God who was with me as I was transported by ambulance not knowing what the hours ahead would hold.  A God who was with me as I lay in bed with a shattered heart grieving Koen.  I am thankful that I know His presence in my life at a much deeper level than I ever have.  I am thankful that I get to hold and snuggle the physical evidence of his love this Thanksgiving.  I am thankful that my outlook on life has been forever changed.  I am thankful that I am not the same person, that I have learned and grown.  I am thankful that God has made beauty from the ashes.