Kevin and I had wanted to be married for a little bit before we started our family. When we decided to take the leap, we were quickly blessed with my pregnancy with Hackett. We were one of the first couples in our social circle and we were clueless to so much. One of my dear friends at work was just a few weeks behind me with her pregnancy. It was fun to go through those first few months together, and then tragedy struck her. Around 20 weeks she lost her precious baby boy. I was utterly heartbroken for her. It shook me, made me realize even more what a treasure the sweet baby growing inside of me was, and opened my eyes to the many risks – both physically and emotionally – of pregnancy. I can remember where Kevin and I were standing when I tearfully told him the news of my sweet friend. We grieved for them and I recall asking God “why?”. I remember Kevin saying at the time, “If that were me, I don’t think I could endure the risk of facing it again.”
My pregnancy continued on with ease, the only issue was that I had a narrow pelvis and would not be able to deliver naturally. Hackett arrived in the middle of the night; he was healthy, but angry! Our poor little guy was plagued with colic. We were so hopelessly in love that it hurt our hearts to see him cry. When he finally turned a corner we were living in California. We began to have to freedom to go and do with Hackett. We loved our little family of three, and none of us were ready to expand (we didn’t feel Hackett was ready yet either). With peace, although I would often question and discuss with Kevin, we made the decision to wait until we returned to Michigan. We trusted God with this prayed over decision, even when the timing of our move was unknown. This was not how we would have thought our family structure would have looked like, but I enjoyed and loved every minute of my one-on-one time with Hackett. Simple things, like running errands and having his hand in mine has always brought me so much joy. I am so thankful for my Hackett and the blessing of time I have with him. This is the family structure that God had planned for me, still has planned for me, and I need to remind myself of that. Instead of focusing on the emptiness and what is missing, but rather on what remains … my sweet, thoughtful, funny, full of life Hackett. I thank God every day for my Hackett, he is my treasure.
I am Jackie.