Staying put

I am not sure what news I anticipated today, but I was focused on today being some sort of goal. I guess my dream was that we would have learned that the measurement of my cervix on Wednesday was a big mistake, that it is actually 3cm, perfect, that Tobin was in no risk, and that I could go home to Hackett. My dream, which was I knew was very unrealistic, did not come true. We learned today that my cervix is still measuring 0.95cm, just as it did on Wednesday. This is good news, but we had waited to ask questions until today. With the "good" news also came some harsh reality. He would consider it a miracle if I made it to 32 weeks. His hope is that Tobin stays our for a few more weeks, which would increase his chances of survival and decrease his chances of long term health problems.

We were given the option, and it will continue to be my decision, of whether I stay at the hospital or go home. At home we would need a bed on the first floor, there would be monitoring only once a week at an appointment, I would continue to be on strict bed rest, and if Tobin came it would be an emergency rush to the hospital. It is too scary. I am scared. I buried a son less than 11 months ago and now I am facing the harsh facts that if my body does not hold on to Tobin I could be burying another one.

We talked with a neonatal specialist on Thursday and learned the many risks of premature delivery. I pray that Tobin survives, and unless a miracle does occur that allows me to carry him to term, he will have a fight ahead of him. I don't even like to watch Hackett battle a fever, and I surely don't want to watch my premature infant fight for his life. It hurts my heart to even think about it.

I am keeping my faith, but in this past year I have learned that God will hold us through heartache, but not always deliver us from it. I don't know His plan. I can't explain why my second son was ripped from my womb and why less than a year later I am lying in a hospital bed fighting for my third sons life. I do know that my heart is tired and low and in those moments He is still there. His angels show up. Hackett's teacher sends a well timed email with love from him today at school. The housekeeper who prayed for me yesterday arrives at my room this afternoon, on her day off, bringing flowers and a card, and sharing that God woke her during the night to pray for me. I get a message that a group of high schoolers want to reach out and bless our family. So many of you are my angels, too. Thank you for holding me up when all I want to do is fall to pieces.