Some days are just hard. When those days hit, it seems that things tend to emotionally pile up. This week my hard days and my emotions seem to be piling high.
I am not sure when I will be okay driving past the cemetery. It is not something I have to drive by on a daily basis, but it is on a road we travel. I can't explain how difficult it is to drive one of my boys to soccer practice and look to see where another is buried. I crane my neck to look at where Koen rests for as long as I can all while maintaining conversation with Hackett about the goal he scored. It is not something that a mom, of any age, should have to endure. I am so thankful that he is buried just around the corner from us, I am so thankful for a place to visit, but it doesn't make it easy. What I wanted to do today when I took Koen a mum plant was lay curled up in ball with my head on his tombstone and cry until there are no more tears, but Tobin was waiting for me in the car. My heart is still so broken, but my two precious, beautiful boys demand my time, and I force myself to be present for them even when it is so hard. I have missed a lifetime with Koen, never a single minute with him while he was breathing, so I don't want to miss out on Hackett and Tobin's lives. So much easier said than done on these hard days.
My body is not returning to normal. This pregnancy, or perhaps the closeness of my last two pregnancies have exhausted my body. My blood pressure that remained normal through my pregnancy with Tobin until the last month is now struggling to lower itself back down. Drugs are now required, side effects included, and I am working with my doctors to find the right one. My muscles were so atrophied from the 5 months of bedrest that I still am going to physical therapy and not able to walk without a limp, still, almost 3 months after delivery. My cycle is also out of whack, so blood tests were ordered. Some levels were off, so today, more tests. I am no longer fighting for a life growing inside of me, so I feel like I should be able to handle these issues with greater ease. But my issue and fear now is that there are two lives in this world that need me to function as a normal healthy mom. I think my frustration is even greater because I have physically watched my body betray me. What could I have done differently to prevent my past health issues and current ones? There is guilt and shame that goes with this, as I feel responsible.
It seems when emotionally I am down, PTSD hits. I have been having haunting flashbacks this week. If you have experienced this, you know that it sneaks up and smacks you in the face without warning and can often be hard to shake.
Although this week has been hard, I am so thankful that I have not had post partum depression like I experienced, in a mild form, with Hackett. This was something I feared, because I did not think emotionally I could endure it. This week I am just a tired mom, who has a cold, whose body is tired and battered, who is watching one son growing up too fast, who is facing the constant battle of processing grief over the son I miss terribly, and in awe of my third son who is lighting up the room with his smiles,laughs, and farts.