Kevin and I went out to dinner for our anniversary last night. For these sorts of occasions, Kevin often prepares some questions to spur on conversation that has us reflect on the past and look towards the future. So sweet and so encouraging to see all that we have done, enjoyed, and overcome together. It is amazing when you realize "if we wouldn't have done this, than that wouldn't have happened"; "if this, than not that". It applies to so many decisions we all make in our life. Our road is not straight, but a series of curves, dips, climbs, and sometimes u-turns. God has a plan for us, even when we don't fully understand it. Life isn't perfect, something I knew long before we lost Koen, but it's in those imperfections, pains, and hurts that force us to stretch, grow, and reach out to God. Had my road throughout life been straight I wouldn't have been able to endure the biggest dip in the road I ever experienced.
When I look back I see God's hand so very present in my life. He has already seen my movie, He knows how it is going to play out. I feel like my movie grieved Him and pulled at my Heavenly Fathers heart strings. He knew I needed the strength to face such a loss. He sent us to California, pulled me closer into His embrace, surrounded me with a network of support, deep and real friendships. He placed us in a community in Michigan when we moved back that threw their arms open wide and poured out love on us, in many instances before friendships had really been established. He built us a giant safety net to fall into. I fell hard and didn't move for a while, but that net remained strong and His embrace tight.
He's got us, even in the trials and darkness when it doesn't make sense. He's got us. I clung to that laying in my hospital bed after Koen's delivery. I clung to that laying in a hospital bed 24 weeks pregnant with Tobin. He's got me. He has you too.
Then you will call, The Lord will answer. "Yes, I am here," he will reply quickly. "Remove the heavy yoke of oppression." Then your light will shine out of the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes.
Isaiah 58:9a, 10b-12
He's got us. When we trust Him we will shine bright. He will be there to guide us, strengthen us, and help us rebuild. I am living proof of this promise. He's had me. He's got me. He's got you too, my sweet friends.
I am Jackie.