Preparing to meet Koen

At the time of Koen's birth we had no idea what caused his heart to stop beating or when it had occurred.  We had the option to see him right after the birth or wait and have the nurses clean him up in the nursery first.  We were fearful of our memories being clouded with a potentially disturbing image  I have mixed feelings about that decision, when I stop and think about just sending him away it hurts my heart.  Now we know he was cute as a button and it would have been okay, but we were unprepared for that day and didn't have the luxury of thinking through all the details and didn't have the information we have now.  

Physically I was not ready to meet him right away, my doctor wasn't done with me yet.  The delivery of my placenta didn't go smoothly.  My bleeding was more severe than they would have liked.  I stared at a table behind my doctor that was full of bowls and it looked like a horror movie.  As my doctor was trying to clean out my uterus and stop my bleeding, I laid there in shock wondering how I had gotten here in just 12 hours.  They were trying to talk calmly, but I sensed their concern.  I kept asking, "what if you can't get the bleeding to slow down?".  My doctor told me he was hoping we wouldn't end up in the OR.  I didn't know what that would mean and immediately went to the worst case.  I thought am I going to lose my uterus tonight too?  I didn't even want to ask for fear of the answer.  They worked on me for quite some time, and praise God, my bleeding slowed to an acceptable rate.  I was able to begin to collect myself and prepare to meet my second son.