My emotions and anxiety are running high today. Tomorrow we meet with the fetal/maternal specialist. Our case does not seem to be common. My OB/GYN has given us some hope, but cautiously. I have been clinging to that hope, but fear starts to sneak in and I wonder what the specialists recommendation will be. I am anxious about the answers we will get. Will there be another Soper baby? If it is okay to try again, what will the treatment be during my pregnancy? What is the likelihood that we could lose another baby? Has he even come across a case like ours before? Is there more going on with my body?
I have been experiencing cramping on and off. My doctor is aware of this and initailly it made sense, then we thought it was due to my cycle resuming, and I also thought it may just be me being hypersensitive. I am so acutely conscience of everything occurring in my body. After having something go so horribly wrong (and with very little warning) it is as if I am waiting for something else to come crashing down. I called the office yesterday to communicate the persistence of my cramps, because my cycle has not resumed and I really don't think it is all in my head.
While at Hackett's swim lessons today I went and sat a bench to watch. A father brought his one week old twins and placed their car seats RIGHT next to me. I never looked at the babies, not even a quick glance in the general direction, nor did I acknowledge the parents. I am quite sure I was the only one. My focus was on looking away and not crying. During my intense focus to hold it together, my doctors office calls my cell. I walked away to take the call. They were ordering blood work, to check for an infection and anemia, and also an ultrasound. Here I am continuing to face the aftereffects of this loss, not only the emotional effects, but also the physical ones, and there is a family with two healthy babies just steps away. I am thankful that they are not experiencing my same heartache, but it doesn't make it easy to have it right next to me. Everywhere I go there are precious little babies, pregnant bellies, and baby products. These past few days the whole world is talking about the royal baby boy's birth. Some of my friends are expecting or have just had babies. I am truly, genuinely happy for you ... there is no greater gift. But even on Facebook I have to look away, hiding some of you temporarily from my newsfeed. Please forgive me. I feel like that little girl in the movie We Bought a Zoo when she says "their happy is too loud". I want you to be happy, so happy, and to thank God for your miracles. I won't look away forever, I can't, but right now it is what I have to do to get through the day.
I am asking for prayers for our appointment tomorrow, the tests being run on my cramping issue, and for some peace. I thank you for loving us, praying for us, encouraging us, and supporting us. I can't even begin to explain what it means.
I am Jackie.