Prayers

Confirmation of our pregnancy came today with the results of a blood test.  I will return Monday to get poked once again.  We are praying the results of that test will show a rise in hormone levels, which will help to give us some assurance that in these early months we will be okay.

I am in shock.  Guarded.  I am excited, already dreaming of what could be, but then I stop myself.  I have learned that a positive pregnancy test does not result in having a baby in your arms.  This harsh reality breaks my heart.  I don't want to rob my little pumpkin seed of the joy, excitement, and anticipation.  I need to trust and let myself go there, but this has happened so fast that it is still sinking in.  In a bizarre way this makes me miss my Koen even more, maybe that's guilt.  I have so many emotions swirling that I am not sure yet.  I need time to sort through all of these feelings.

What I do know is that I am calm.  I had asked for prayers for my anxiety over this journey and they are being felt.   Thank you.  I pray that this peace is also an indication, hopefully a promise, of what will come.  I feel God's voice giving me reassurance, but it is easy to second guess that voice.  My faith has grown in the last 6 months and I pray that this 9 month journey will grow my faith and trust even more.  

Tonight at dinner I asked Hackett if he wanted to pray.  He just pointed at my belly.  I said "you want to pray for pumpkin seed?"  He nodded.  His prayer at dinner tonight:  "Dear God.  Please be with little pumpkin seed, help him get the food he needs, and help him to stay alive."  That is my prayer too ...