Confirmation of our pregnancy came today with the results of a blood test. I will return Monday to get poked once again. We are praying the results of that test will show a rise in hormone levels, which will help to give us some assurance that in these early months we will be okay.
I am in shock. Guarded. I am excited, already dreaming of what could be, but then I stop myself. I have learned that a positive pregnancy test does not result in having a baby in your arms. This harsh reality breaks my heart. I don't want to rob my little pumpkin seed of the joy, excitement, and anticipation. I need to trust and let myself go there, but this has happened so fast that it is still sinking in. In a bizarre way this makes me miss my Koen even more, maybe that's guilt. I have so many emotions swirling that I am not sure yet. I need time to sort through all of these feelings.
What I do know is that I am calm. I had asked for prayers for my anxiety over this journey and they are being felt. Thank you. I pray that this peace is also an indication, hopefully a promise, of what will come. I feel God's voice giving me reassurance, but it is easy to second guess that voice. My faith has grown in the last 6 months and I pray that this 9 month journey will grow my faith and trust even more.
Tonight at dinner I asked Hackett if he wanted to pray. He just pointed at my belly. I said "you want to pray for pumpkin seed?" He nodded. His prayer at dinner tonight: "Dear God. Please be with little pumpkin seed, help him get the food he needs, and help him to stay alive." That is my prayer too ...
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I am Jackie.