Today was a quiet day. Hackett is still feeling under the weather and was content to watch TV and play Legos. I took advantage of my time and worked on lesson plans and decorations for my classroom.
In all the quietness my thoughts were spinning. The realness of everything is setting in. My baby is not here. Getting pregnant may result in another loss. Or we may be blessed to have a healthy baby in our arms at the end. The reward seems worth the risk, but what a huge risk we will be taking. Enduring this loss one time is crushing. I don't know how I would recover from it a second time, it is unfathomable. Time is ticking by, the years between siblings is growing larger with each day, and I am approaching 35 where other risks also go up. We don't need to add any more risk, we already have more than we can handle. How do we make the decision that we are ready to try again? How do you say sure I am ready to sign up for this again?
About a month ago I wanted to pick out baby names. We had never chosen names before I have actually gotten pregnant before, but I needed to cling to hope. I needed that hope to have a name. I needed to pray for the baby that is only a dream. I wasn't sure if I would share the names, but I feel like I want to. I am asking you to join me in praying for our hope by name. We had a girl's name chosen for Koen, and even though he did not need that name, it feels like that name belongs to him and that pregnancy. During our name selection we wanted to choose names that were promises. If we have a boy his name will be Tobin Victor. Tobin means "God is good", and even in this valley I have clung to that. Victor is my grandfather's name and it means "champion". We need a victorious fighter. If we have a girl her name will be Adora Esther. Adora is "a gift, beloved, adored". We are praying for a gift from God that we can love on. Esther is Kevin's grandmother's name and it means "star". Our little gift from the heavens above.
I thought that passing Koen's arrival date and due date may bring some closure. But the truth is our journey is still in the beginning stages. Please pray as we continue to walk down this challenging path ...
I am Jackie.