Our time with Koen

My bleeding had slowed down and things seemed to be calming down. I still had an IV attached to one arm and a blood pressure cuff on the other.  Kevin and I decided that we were ready for our nurse to bring Koen to see us.  Would we ever be ready for this moment?  One that would grieve us and give us joy?  The only physical time we would be with our second son.  Our nurse brought him from the nursery - where he had been weighed, measured, pictures taken, foot and hand prints made, and dressed - and placed him in my arms.  Kev stood over Koen and I, cradling us, as we both cried out from a primal place.

Koen was wrapped in a blue quilt with stars and moons on it.  He wore a white shirt, a diaper that had to be cinched, a tiny blue knit hat, and mint green knit booties that were too big for his sweet little feet so cotton was put in the toes.  We never took him all the way out of his quilt or fully removed his hat and I wish we would have.  I wished I would have felt just him.  I long to feel his little body laid up against my chest, but never was able to experience that.  He was wrapped up so preciously that we didn't want to disturb or hurt him.  His little body was cold and why would we unwrap a blanket from a chilly baby?  To complicate things both my arms were tied to things and I couldn't even feel his head resting on me through my blood pressure cuff.  When I look back I ache to have been out of the delivery bed, my arms free, and have the ability to snuggle him.  This is just one of the many things that my heart will ache for.  Sadly the reality was different that day as it will be in the years ahead.  My doctor and nurse were still checking on me during our time with Koen.  At times I had to hand him to Kevin so they could work on me.  Kevin sat at my side and held Koen so I could stare at his precious face, trying to absorb that image into my memory. 

We had brought the iPad for Hackett when we went to the hospital. I played one of our favorite lullaby CDs during labor and when we had Koen with us.  Kevin is the most amazing dad I have ever met, how blessed I am to have him as the father of my children. He spent many an hour dancing with Hackett when he was a baby trying to calm his little colicky spirit.  Kev gave Koen and I the most precious gift as he stood with him and began to sway him back and forth to the music while singing to him.  I looked at my husband and said "You were the best Daddy to Koen".  Kev replied, "I just felt like dancing with him a little bit".

Kevin and I talked to Koen the whole time trying to get in a lifetime of I love you's.  I unwrapped him from his quilt a bit and removed the bootie that was on his foot and snuggled his bare leg and foot.  His skin was the softest thing I have ever felt.  He was perfect.  His bones we strong and solid.  He was just skinny and needed to plump up.  I put my finger under his precious little hand and thought about how I would miss having his hand in mine.  God designed a child's hand to fit perfectly in a mothers - for comfort, safety, and security.  I love holding Hackett's hand in mine and am thankful that for a few moments I was able to experience that with Koen.  We peeked under Koen's little blue hat and his scalp was wrinkly with blonde curly hair.  Again, I wished I had just stripped him down and looked at him from every vantage point.  I will miss so much and I even missed out on that opportunity.

Our nurse didn't rush us and we were allowed to take all the time we needed, but if we were able to take as much time as we wanted he would still be with us now.  It was getting late at night and I was nervous that if the funeral home didn't come for him at that point that he would go to the morgue.  I wanted us to be the ones who passed him off, and the thought of his body lying in the morgue made me sick to my stomach.  We told our nurse to call the funeral home, that we were ready.  We each gave him one last kiss on his sweet little forehead and said goodbye.

These raw and real moments seem to be a continual loop in my head.  I don't want to forget, so I cling to the most painful moments of my life because they are all I have of Koen.  I pray that writing this will free me just a little ...