I started work this week, Hackett was away at Grandma's, and I spent all my free time in the evenings prepping for the first week of school. I am staying busy. So busy that on August 29th, Koen's due date, I didn't even have a chunk of time to think or reflect until I was lying in bed. Is that a good thing? I am not sure. I am thankful that I am not feeling the pain from morning to night, but in some ways I want to and need to feel it.
Kevin and my wedding anniversary is on September 4th. Yesterday I was running all sorts of errands, marking off my many to do's. I stopped at Hallmark, walking in feeling good and happy. Then I pulled the first card, while reading it I began to cry. It seems to hit when I don't expect it. I had a rush of emotions. This past spring when I thought about our 9th anniversary approaching I thought how special it would be to celebrate with our completed family of four. I envisioned us all snuggling together, enjoying the love and special family we had created. I already had Koen planned into so many family memories and he is so missed. Kevin, how do I pick out a card or even come up with the words to mark this year of our lives together? We have been together for 16 years. We have walked through so much together. Our journey began in high school and we have been blessed to have so much joy in our lives. I don't know if anyone laughs more than we do. We have also faced trials - the divorce of both our parents, moving across country, and then moving across country again. The loss of Koen is the hardest trial of our lives. When facing hard times we cling together. Our motto is always "we can laugh or cry" and we try to choose laugh. So much harder to choose the laugh option these past few months. We are still laughing, but life just feels altered now. It is harder to be the carefree couple that we always have been. We hurt different, we grieve different, and we cope different. We still love, still support, and are still so thankful for one another. I cannot imagine facing this heartache without Kevin by my side. I found card yesterday, but what I really want it to say is:
"I love you. Even when my heart is bleeding and I can't show it, I love you. When you find a way to make me laugh, I love you. When you held my hand in the delivery room, I love you. When you play with Hackett even when you are sad and tired, I love you. When you carried our Koen's casket to his gravesite, I love you. When you support me staying home or going to work, I love you. When you remain by my side and don't retreat, I love you. I have loved you with my whole heart for 16 years, will love you this entire lifetime, and will love you all eternity when we are dancing with Koen in heaven."
I am Jackie.