This year we made it to midnight. Something that has not occurred in years, and a first for Hackett. Last New Years we rang in 2014 at 8:47, so excited to be done with 2013. 2014 was the year of hope for me, little did I know how desperately I would need to cling to hope at so many different moments. 2013 was low, a valley of darkness. I had thought 2014 was bound to be easier, but my faith and ability to hope continued to be pushed to its limits. I cannot believe what we endured. So many scary moments. So many times I braced my heart and prepared for the possibility of burying my second son in one year. I ached for months not being available to Hackett the way I wanted. 21 days away from home at the hospital, alone for most of it, unable to concentrate on reading anything but my bible. The delivery room, the unknown outcome. I needed hope. I needed my God and the hope that can only be truly be found through Him.
As I lay in bed and type on my phone (my main method for blogging these past months) I am in awe of how far we have come. Just a few feet away is my Tobin, lying in his crib, waking up often, not to eat, but for his pacifier and reassurance of my presence. I am sleep deprived, but it is my fault. I fought so hard for him, nap time snuggles are my reward, my paycheck. And momma is getting paid! We have no clear schedule, a pattern, but no schedule. I am not concerned with milestones, or other things that made me so anxious with Hackett. Maybe this is normal with your second or with a large age gap between kids? I am guessing those things play a role, but I also know I just want to be in each moment with him, not planning or looking to the future - present. Koen taught me that. I'm not great at that in all aspects of my life, but it is something I am striving for. Life is far too precious to have it pass right by your distracted eyes.
In 2015, I am praying for peace. I have grown accustomed to living on high alert. I need His peace to remind me that we have made it. I need to rest in Him. I had a front row seat as I watched Him carry me, now I need to trust that He's got me all the time, not just in the valley. Peace ... sounds so good.
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