My results are in

My prayers have been answered.  Cancer is not the cause of elevated liver enzymes.  The cause is fatty liver disease.  I wish I was perfectly healthy, but given the situation, I find myself rejoicing with this news.  A nurse called today to give me my results and schedule an appointment for next month where I will talk more with my doctor.  I didn't want to wait a month to banish any lingering fear, so I confirmed my knowledge of fatty liver disease with her and then said, "so I have been freaked out about cancer, and there was no sign of that - right?".  I needed to hear the NO.  

My doctor had eluded to this being the cause.  Said it was very common, but often undetected because there are no symptoms.  He also felt that my bed rest was to blame, that it and the multiple pregnancies, combined with my complications, were just so hard on my body.  So I battle on.  The amazing news is that it is reversible and isn't causing my body any harm (just the potential for harm in the future).  I am sure the recommendation will be diet and exercise.  It is a good motivator for me.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions for me the past few weeks.  I have had periods of peace and times of fear.  Fear that after battling so hard for Tobin, that I would be taken from all my boys.  As I drove to my ultrasound last week my thoughts were focused on how I would leave this world (irrational, I know, but fear can do that).  When I met Kevin at the hospital I informed him that I had decided that I didn't want him to remarry until the boys were out of the house.  That I didn't want him to be alone, but I didn't want another woman to raise my two treasures.  Crazy and selfish, but that is where I was at in that moment.  Darkness seems to swirl about and suck you in.  

This weekend as I prayed and found some peace, God showed me why I was so scared.  I no longer trust my body.  It has betrayed me.  I feel damaged.  Previously, I had skated through life taking my body for granted, trusting that it would do its job.  I am no longer ignorant.  Our bodies are created in His image, but are not perfect.  Our bodies will fail us, throughout our lives at certain times, and at the end of our life.  I need to focus now on not taking my body and health for granted.