In the last 10 days I have had the privilege of seeing the two nurses who literally held me the day of Koen's birth. What an impact each of their 12-hour shifts had on my life. I saw them that day and then they were gone. While getting my NST today, Torrey walked into my triage room and said "remember me?". I had forgotten her face, but will never forget her. Her job that day involved telling me that they were having difficulty finding Koen's heartbeat, tears falling from her eyes when an ultrasound confirmed his death, walking us through the many decisions we were forced to make that day, and attending to my every need. When Koen hadn't arrived and I knew her shift was ending, I was so anxious and didn't want her to go. In such a short time she had become so important to me. She assured me she would get me the best and she did. She brought the next angel in, Cindy, at shift change, and they both stood there with tears in their eyes. Their genuine emotions meant more than I can explain in words. Cindy was there for the unthinkable. She held my hand and encouraged me through the hour and a half of pushing that was required to deliver my lifeless Koen. She is the one who put Koen in my arms and then took him from me after I gave him one last kiss. She came in during the night when I couldn't sleep and needed to cry. She even left the hospital to get me a slurpee. She hugged and kissed me that morning and then left after being present for the most intimate and raw moments of my life.
I thought about those two amazing ladies so much the weeks after Koen's birth. Hackett and I went to the hospital last summer and took them a little gift and card, but neither were there. They did not know anything about our journey until these past few days. Cindy amazed me this past Tuesday, remembering Kevin's name, and many other details from that night. She was concerned as I was sent on via ambulance and asked that I keep her posted, that she would have no way of knowing what would occur in Saginaw because of privacy laws. I called and left a message for her last week. I learned today that she shared what she had learned about me with Torrey, so when Torrey saw my name up for the NST, she made a point to find us and hug me with all her might today. She said the hair on her arms stood up when she learned we were back, pregnant, and facing challenges. I shed tears again with her today, so thankful for that moment.
I have had quite a bit of hospital experience this last year. I have had some nurses that were beyond amazing, one in Saginaw who brightened my spirit with her presence, and others who I am sure were burnt out or should have chosen a different profession. My appreciation for these two angels has only grown. God put them there that day for me. I am so thankful. I have been reflecting on the fact that in most professions you get to see the fruits of your labor, but I imagine so often in nursing that is not the case. People come into their lives, they pour out compassion and care, and then those people leave. I am looking forward to them seeing a healthy Tobin in a few weeks and giving them that "paycheck" for being such a blessing in our lives. I plan to take Tobin to Saginaw to see my special nurses there too, for that exact reason. I am grateful beyond words for these special women who have entered my life this past year.
Tobin did great at my NST today, but my blood pressure was up. Not surprising being in the same room as I was last week during my emergency, reminiscing about Koen's delivery, and worrying about Tobin's safety with infection still present in my body. I am getting more anxious by the week. My doctor today said he would be surprised if I wasn't. So today I will start a new medicine to help lower my blood pressure, and I will monitor it to make sure it doesn't drop too low. I have been pregnant since December 2012, with a 6 month break in between. My body is done, and emotionally so am I. What a battle, what a journey, but the finish line is in sight and I praise God for that!
I am Jackie.