I awoke in a panic very early in the morning the day of Koen's funeral. In hours my baby would be buried in the ground. Our time was so short with him, and it seemed like this would somehow finalize his abbreviated life. I wanted to be his mommy, wanted to tell him things, wanted to hold him, wanted to watch him grow, wanted so much for him to live. I will always be his mommy and will always love him. I wanted to make sure he knew that. In my sorrow, in the middle of the night, with eight people sleeping under our roof, I wrote these words in a letter that I tossed into his grave, next to his tiny casket, before they buried him.
Mommy's Little Muffin
My sweet Koen Wayne Soper, my precious son, Mommy's Little Muffin,
There is so much I want to say to you, teach you, do with you, but sadly Mommy's time was cut far too short.
I wanted you and ached for you long before God blessed me by putting you in my belly. I will live my life longing and aching for you. Do you remember Mommy sitting in the rocking chair in your room? I would rock with you and dream of all the time you and I would spend together in that very place. I dreamed about snuggling you, kissing you, patting your sweet little bottom. I had big plans for our special times together and I couldn't wait to start making Mommy and Koen memories.
My mission in life is to be the very best mommy to you and your brother, Hackett, and the best wife to your precious Daddy. I promise I will take the best care of your big brother and your Daddy, but my heart aches knowing I won't be able to do the same for you - I want to so badly my sweet little Koen. God had you born into the most loving and fun family. We would have laughed and snuggled together every day.
Your big brother, Hackett, wanted you to know how very much he loved you. He could not wait to play with you, teach you new things, and make you laugh. He also couldn't wait to love on you - do you remember all the belly snuggles and kisses he gave you? Hackett was already the best big brother I have ever seen. He loves you so much Koen.
Koen, your Daddy is the best man I have ever met in my entire life. Mommy won the prize with him. Daddy would have raised you to have a strong, loyal, and loving heart. You would have gone to bed every night knowing that you had the best, funniest, silliest, loving daddy, who always watched out for you and protected you. You would have felt oh so secure and loved.
Mommy is sorry that something happened to you when you were growing in my belly. I am so sorry that you had to meet us before you were ready. When I got to see your precious face, you were perfect. You looked just like your brother, blonde curly hair, long eyelashes, and the sweetest button nose. I held your tiny soft hand and thought about how many times your hand would have been held tightly by mine. I tried to snuggle every little piece of your body, but our time was far too short. Koen you are such important piece of this family and will be thought of everyday. When you see Mommy thinking of you know that she is sending you a big giant hug.
You will always be my little muffin and I will love you so much through all eternity. Meet me at heavens gates with Jesus and I will run to you.
I love you my sweet son,
Last year on Mother's Day, Koen was still with us. This year I have so much to be thankful for - Kevin, Hackett, and Tobin still growing strong inside me, but I am missing dearly the other sweet boy in my life. I will love you forever, my Koen.
I am Jackie.