Celebrate the Sadness
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My journey in photographs

11/6/2013

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I have had a tough week emotionally.  I have been doing so good at school staying focused, accomplishing tasks, and working well past my allotted "hours".  Today I had trouble focusing.  I have along list of things to do, but had to check out for the day.  I hoped I would be more productive with my schoolwork at home this evening, but I am still struggling.  The idea of seriously considering getting pregnant again has brought me to my knees - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  It has stirred so many feelings.


These past few weeks I went through photos on my computer.  Finally developing and getting photo's on our walls.  All of my photographs are stored in date order.  I feel like even that tells our story.  I wanted to document here, some of that journey in photographs.  It is all part of my journey.
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Very newly pregnant ... our family didn't even know yet.  I can see the joy in my face.
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February in Chicago.  I remember being so tired this trip and it shows.
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Our high school girls basketball made it to state semi-finals in March.  Koen kicked that whole game.  I remember it so fondly.
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In April at Easter.  Our best "family" picture.
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Hackett grabbed my camera on Easter and wanted to take a picture of my belly.  I agreed.  I would have never suggested documenting my belly growth, but willingly would honor my Hackett's request.  Now it is one of my most treasured photographs.  A cropped version hangs on my bedroom wall and is a banner on this website.
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We found out this day that Koen was a boy.  I bought the outfit Hackett's doll is wearing - it said "Little Brother".  I picked Hackett up from school and brought him to the car to tell him the news.
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Look at his joy and excitement to be a big brother ...
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At the Big Brother/Big Sister class at the hospital.  Hackett was the star student.  I am happy we did this, as sad as it is, because Hackett was able to see the maternity rooms prior to me being there.
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Just a few weeks before Koen was born.
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I took this picture 7 days before Koen was born to text to my friends so they could see how big my belly was getting.
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I snapped a picture of this the day before Koen's birth.  Hackett was upset and expressing his feelings on the deck.  I am mad too ...
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Koen's birth came and went without a single personal picture taken.  The only picture I have is one I quickly took of the outfit I selected to bury him in.
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    Author

    I am Jackie.
    I am a child of the one true King.
    I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Kevin. 
    I am a mom to my three sons - Hackett, Koen (my little angel), and Tobin. 
    I am experiencing loss, heartache, and grief.  On May 27, 2013, at 26 weeks and 6 days I went into the hospital with contractions, only to learn that my Koen's sweet little heart had stopped beating.  
    Tobin was born July 8, 2014.
    I am on a journey . . .

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