This sad morning started peacefully with snuggles from all three guys in my house. While my heart hurts, these sweet faces help to mend it.
After drop off this morning Tobin and I went to pick out Koen's birthday present, flowers for his grave. They are beautiful, but who buys their two-year-old boy flowers? Oh, how I wish I could have watched him pedal a new tricycle today, seen his face glow with delight. I told Tobin all about the big brother he doesn't know today, what fun they would have had together.
I had trouble leaving the cemetery today, so hard to leave him alone on his birthday. So Tobin and I walked the cemetery, and gave thanks to the many servicemen and women whose flags were proudly flying. We walked by the little chapel where Koen's funeral took place, and the sign that marks Koen earthly resting place. It is so beautifully heartwrenching there.
Koen has taught me that life is for living, no matter how difficult the circumstances may be, each day is a gift. Koen doesn't need me to stay curled up in a ball crying on his grave, those tears and feelings of abandonment are for my wounded heart. He gets to dance and color with Jesus, who knows, maybe he even has a tricycle up there too. So even on days like to today, when my heart aches, I choose life. I choose to smile and laugh with these two gifts that I get the honor of living life with - even if it is in between the tears.
We celebrate Koen's life, even if it was never outside my womb, he remains a living part of our family and always will. Happy Birthday, my birthday boy, I love you and miss you more than I can even begin to describe. I missed your coloring tonight at sunset, I was busy living. Maybe I will see your beautiful picture tomorrow night. Rest well in Jesus' arms my sweet boy.
I am Jackie.