My anxiety is increasing
The last month has been a peaceful one for me. There has been no new bad news, no scares, and little fear. It has been time to embrace and love my Tobin. I had difficulty really bonding during the first trimester, for fear of losing him. Then the trip to the ER and news of increased risk, made it once again difficult to get attached for fear of losing him. My hope and belief is that Tobin will live a healthy life in our home, but if that does not happen, right now is my only time with him. I don't want to take any time with him for granted. Koen was loved dearly while he was in my womb, and I am happy that the exact same fierce mama love is present for Tobin too.
In the last week my anxiety has started to grow. Today, I am 23 weeks 6 days. I had Koen at 26 weeks 6 days. I am only 3 weeks from that same stage. It even falls on the same day of the week - a Monday, as my weeks switch on Tuesday. Koen's due date was August 29 and Tobin's is July 29. So much is similar. These milestones will bring more hope, but with it they also bring much fear. I am nervous even going to the bathroom. Scared of any bacteria. I am not out much anymore, but if I am I stay far away from public restrooms. Not easy right now as there is always pressure on my bladder, but I am doing everything in my power to protect the precious baby growing inside of me. The problem is, so much of this is not within my power, this is not something I can control or fix. Such a hard thing to accept. Because it is out of my control, my mind drifts to what I will do if Tobin dies. I envision what things will look like, how we will do things, my horror and pain. It is a scary place and one I try to avoid, but it is impossible to stay completely away.
On Wednesday, I go to see our specialist. To be perfectly honest I am not sure exactly why. I find myself carefully selecting the questions I ask. I don't really want to know all the answers, with answers comes more fear, and I have already reached my threshold in that department. When we went to see him last summer the plan was for him to merely consult my OB throughout the next pregnancy. After my trip to the ER with bleeding and my ACLA blood test results, which all occurred in the same week, I found myself being called to schedule the appointment at 24 weeks. I think the combination of those things increased my risk and got me a first class ticket to his office. They will conduct another ultrasound. Besides checking my cervix length, I do not know what they will be looking for or what they will find. My understanding is that it will be the specialist doing the ultrasound, not a technician. While getting a look at Tobin will be comforting, I fear what they may find. I pray it is nothing, but so often during this pregnancy it seems to be one more thing. I don't want one more thing. I want a healthy baby.
My blood pressure has been awesome throughout this pregnancy, by the grace of God. My OB is no longer having me monitor it, but I still do. The past few days it has been a bit higher, not high, but higher. I know this is directly correlated with my anxiety. I ask that you pray that my heart would be calmed and that the appointment on Wednesday will give us peace. Much love and thanks for your support.
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I am Jackie.