Mother's Day

As I approach Mother's Day this year it is with mixed emotions. It will be the third Mother's Day that I celebrate while pregnant. I found out I was pregnant with Hackett just a week before Mother's Day in 2006. I remember being filled with such joy at the promise of becoming mom. Last year I was pregnant with Koen, once again filled with the joy of another boy calling me mom and stealing my heart. In my mind we were just a few months away from our family being complete.

This year it feels different. I grieve that I will never hear Koen utter "mama", never again hold him in my arms, and will never get to watch him grow and achieve the many milestones in life. I grieve, but I also lay here hoping and praying that Tobin stays put, that he has the strength to fight and conquer the challenges that he may have to face in the next few months, that one day he will call me "mama", and that I will watch him live a long and healthy life. I also celebrate the greatest gift I have walking on this earth, my Hackett. Hackett who made me a mom and loves me with his whole heart, who loves life, who has great empathy, and who has completely stolen my heart. Joy, heartache, hope, and so much love is what I will feel next week.

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. Started by an online community who gives support to mothers who have endured loss like me. I understand the intent and appreciate it, but how do you celebrate such a day? I want to recognize the day and have thought of my Koen often, but that does not differ from any other day for me. To me the important thing to take from today is to remind others that many women you come in contact with may be facing mixed feelings or heartache this coming Sunday. I have been extremely public with our loss, but this is often not the case. Many feel shame and blame, myself included, and make the very personal choice to keep their loss private. Others desire to have a child, but have not been able to fulfill that dream. Others may be grieving the loss of their own moms or lack of relationship with them. I shared this video on Facebook and wanted to share again.

Celebrate this Sunday with your family. Live in the moment and be thankful for the little things. Give those around you grace, as we often have no idea what they are enduring. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers this year. Happy Mother's Day!