Motherhood ... the struggle is real

Nothing brings me more joy than these beautiful boys that Kevin and I have created. Nothing. Sometimes just looking at their faces makes my heart feel like it will explode. Hackett no longer tolerates me showering him with love any time I feel like it, so I am seizing the day with Tobin. I am surprised I have not kissed his gravy cheeks right off his face. I love them. I mean really, really love them. Crazy love them.

Speaking of crazy. God bless them, but they can also make me feel crazy. Like not sane at times for 60 second intervals and I don't know where my words or actions come from. Tobin's time is coming, there is no denying it, but having a baby and an eight year old at the same time seems to highlight the challenges, struggles, and differences in the stages of child rearing. I don't like to make Hackett's life public, so I won't go into detail, but he has been on fire this week. He's no longer a baby, far from his days as a toddler and a preschooler, not even a meek kindergartner who seemed too little to be in school all day. He's suddenly grown up. He listens to music with his headphones on, knows more fun facts about everything than I do (which leads him to believe that his intelligence supersedes mine), and his friends now appear to be more important to him than his parents (he will drop us like a bad habit for them any day of the week). All so very natural, normal, and healthy. Problem is he's not grown up enough to understand how to be grown up. That's our job and that job is exhausting. So exhausting that sometimes my crazy takes over. Kevin has been working 11 days straight, some 12 hour shifts, and he is working weird shifts. As a family we are spent. I need sleep, and a bit of time alone to recharge, in order to maintain my patience. This week that did not happen. So my crazy came out. My poor guy who needs patient parents and one-on-one time with them, didn't get that either. This sent us spiraling down together. Found this in his backpack today, so even his teacher notices that the drama is HIGH this week!!!!

Not sure why in my head I expect Hackett to behave even better when I am under stress? But I do. Often times when I am in that moment I can't see straight enough to realize that my stress has a direct correlation on his stress. As a family unit we are all so linked.

Thank God I quickly realize how irrational I have been. I am quick to apologize, love, and ask to start over. This week it didn't give us an instantaneous fix, but I am often in awe how it does so many times. After I pour out my apology (sometimes with tears in my eyes as I realize I have hurt this little heart that I love with all of mine) Hackett will just melt into my embrace and offer his forgiveness freely. Sometimes it seems that after we see one another's hearts it's like we just rebooted a computer that kept glitching and then it runs perfectly, better than it has run all day. What a great lesson to teach him. That it's okay to humble yourself, there is freedom in forgiveness, and no matter what our love is unwavering. If he left my house without learning those lessons I would be doing him a huge disservice. His wife will thank me someday for not being perfect and giving him these opportunities to see what a stressed out momma looks like.

This week we would have small moments of improvements, but then we would both fall back into our stressed and frustrated patterns. I think we are now on the upswing, but when I am at rock bottom I take comfort in not being alone in this real struggle. I am so thankful for my honest girlfriends who keep it real and support me through life's highs and lows. I need to get a text with a picture like this one. It makes me cry with laughter because it's so real. And yes, there is even a swear word, because that is real too, my friends!

It says: "I'm sorry for acting like a total asshole. Sometimes I have a moment, sorry but I do. Please forgive me. Circle yes if you do. If not don't bother."

In the day of social media, of Facebook and Instagram, we typically see one another's highlight reel, not the REAL reel. We even "filter" our highlight reel to make it seem even prettier, myself included. When we are surrounded by everything looking so perfect we can feel alone in the struggle. Just this week some of my fellow momma's on Facebook have been keeping it real, and it's so refreshing. The struggle is real, my fellow momma's, and we are not alone! Here is some real for you, I watched this clip of The Real Housewives last night and couldn't stop laughing, in part because I felt like this is how I reacted to things this week!

As one of my sweet friends reminded me yesterday, God's mercies are new every morning!  She thought that God made sure to put that verse in the bible just for us momma's, and I am so in agreement with that!  Take heart my friends and know that not only are not alone in the struggle, but Jesus is with you through it all!

Lamentations 3:22-23
22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.