Motherhood is heartbreaking

As I begin to write it is only one in the afternoon, but I have manage to spill many tears already today. I don't think of myself as a crier, although the last few years seemed to have brought out the waterworks in me.

Being a mom is my greatest joy in life. It will be my best job. It will be the greatest thing I ever do. When you are pregnant you hear about the love, how your heart will grow, and how amazing being a mommy is. No one ever told me how that huge, oversized heart, will break, time and time again. No one tells you that those little bodies hold part of that heart inside of them. No one tells you that your heart is forever attached to their heart. That you literally feel their pain. That when they are away from you a part of you feels missing.

Hackett is eight now, so grown up, but still so small. He is in limbo. This stage is difficult for him, and challenging for me. I see him break, hurt, and struggle, but I can no longer fix things. I can't pick him up (literally, I can't pick him up), cradle him in my arms and make it all better anymore. I can't imagine starting off parenting with a child in elementary school, my heart and prayers are with the amazing parents who do. I can't imagine the heart explosion coinciding with the inability to make things better. As long as Tobin is fed, dry, and in my arms, all is well in his world. I think God starts you at that place for that very reason.

I took Tobin to his six month check-up last week. Our doctor asked about his sleep schedule at night and during the day, wondering if we laid him down while he was still slightly awake, which is her recommendation.  (I failed to come clean and confess that during the day I often don't lay him down at all.). She encouraged that practice, citing that it would help with his ability to self-soothe. All of this I know, I just don't want to.  I feel like it is time to start though, just small steps, but steps all the same.  I think my struggle is that if I put him down, it begins the process of letting him go.  It is the first of many things that occurs where he breaks away from me.  It occurs slow, gradual, without you even realizing it, but it is happening everyday.  It is hard to start the process.

The breaking away is a good thing, healthy, even though it hurts.  (I have to remind myself of this.)  We parent intentionally.  God has entrusted us with boys, boys who will become men.  It is our job to teach these boys how to become responsible men of honor.  Men that are filled with love, empathy, confidence, courage, gentleness, strength, and the light of the Lord.  Some days we are in mere survival mode, but our eye is always looking ahead.  It can be daunting.  Some days leaving me on my knees with tears in my eyes.  It can be unbelievably rewarding.  So many days my heart spills over with pride and love.  Just hearing them laugh, or an "I love you, mom" out of the blue.  Swoon.

My heart has been heavy this week.  Today I came to a realization of why.  I have known all along with Tobin that things would be different, feel different, that we would be different, because of Koen.  The grief is tangled in there too, and sometimes its in there days before I realize it.  The day my heart exploded and grew for Koen was the same day I had to say goodbye.  I had to let go, before I could even hang on.  With Hackett I was able to snuggle him as a baby, then hold him on my hip, then hold his hand everywhere we went and soon after just when crossing the street, now I often just rest my hand on his shoulders to guide him.  Physically my touch has slowly been weaned away.  It was not like that with Koen, he was ripped from my womb and my arms.  I wasn't able to let go, through a series of small heart pulls, it is what causes me so much pain.  My heart aches for Koen, because I wasn't able to let go in the slow natural process.  I struggle with Hackett being away for a sleepover, and laying Tobin down for a nap, yet I had to lay Koen in a grave and walk away.  So abrupt.

All three of these boys hold my heart in theirs.  Thankful that Jesus holds mine in His.