Kevin struggles to sit on the sidelines of any sporting event, sure that whatever he yells may will the players to suddenly make the perfect play, or protect the ball, and bring home the victory. I am learning more with every year that I am on the sidelines of Hackett's life. (I spend a great deal of time on the real sidelines watching him play, so maybe that is why this correlation is relevant for me.) I can't run with him, and hold his hand anymore like I can with Tobin. I can't make the play for him, or protect the ball, or stop him from being fouled. I have to stand there and just watch the game unfold. I can yell suggestions, or special plays he can try, but he is in the middle of the game and can't always see or hear me. His victories are so much sweeter, because they are now all his own. But watching him struggle, trip, and get scored on, and not being able to step in and fix it. Or wave a magic wand. It is painful; exhausting. I sit on the sidelines and second guess myself, feel responsible that I haven't prepared him enough for the game. Win or lose, he always bounces back, and I hope learns for his next match. And I have to trust that all the skills he is honing on the field will prepare him for when I am no longer on the sidelines of every game.
(Just so no one worries, Hackett is perfectly fine, he is just growing up, and its just not easy - for him or I.)
As moms, I don't think we talk enough about our own insecurities and failures or blunders or just how emotionally spent we are at times. The baby years are rough, but as I experience preschool years at the parallel time I am traversing pre-teen, both exhaust me, just in different ways. Tobin pooped in his cotton underwear ... twice ... today. So. Much. Patience. Is required daily.
I think in part, we are so so depleted, because our love is so great, that we give so much of ourselves. It is love, in a form all its own.
If you are feeling weary with me tonight, look at Jesus promise. Going to bed handing it over to him, and grateful for a new day.
“Come to Me, all of you who work and have heavy loads. I will give you rest. Follow My teachings and learn from Me. I am gentle and do not have pride. You will have rest for your souls. For My way of carrying a load is easy and My load is not heavy.” Matthew 11:28-29