May is hard

I could almost feel the weight on my heart as this month approached, but it took me a few weeks to realize why my emotions were so elevated. May is hard. It is a heartbreaking month for me, with many reminders. It was the last month I spent with Koen, we had fully embraced the knowledge of him being a boy and I was thrilled. I had his closet ready, new outfits bought, and I was just SO excited to meet him. I literally felt giddy, more so than my other two pregnancies. With Hackett I was really excited, but also nervous of motherhood, so many unknowns. After Hackett I knew how a baby could literally make your heart explode, in the very best way possible, so with Koen I knew what was coming and could not contain my happy. We had waited so long for our second, all that anticipation was building. I was also an at home momma this pregnancy, with my Hackett in kindergarten. I had the time to think, embrace, enjoy, and feel the excitement. What a gift that was. With Tobin my worry and fight outweighed all other emotions, the innocence of pregnancy had been lost. 

I had 27 days with my big baby boy in May. I felt his intense kicks, as my little guy liked to keep me up late, and wake me up early.  He spent Mother's Day with me in 2013, our only one together. Like so many other moments, on Mother's Day, my emotions are interwoven. This year I will celebrate being the mommy of three beautiful boys, but will celebrate with one of them missing from my lap. It is my honor to be their mother. Oh how I wish Koen were here with us, but I would never take away the 27 weeks we spent together, even knowing the outcome.  He is mine and I am is, and his short life was a gift.  

This past Sunday was Bereaved Mother's Day, a day that recognizes mothers like myself, who have experienced loss.  Not something that I celebrate, but rather a day I recognize inside my own head.  I, unlike so many others, have children that walk this earth and live in my home.  I can not imagine the magnitude of the pain and loss if that was not the case.  This past Sunday the weather was perfect by my standards, and we spent it with our extended family.  We celebrated life, the birth of the newest member in our family, and the life of our brother who is braving battling what someone his age should not have to.  Such perspective in all of that, it was hard to feel sad, being surrounded with so much life and love.

On May 27th it will be two years since Koen's birth and death.  May 31st was the day of his burial.  I feel a bit like Forrest Gump, because today "That's all I have to say about that".  Maybe I will be able to go there in a few weeks, but I'm not ready today.  It's too hard.