Little by little

As the school year comes to a close this week, the flood of emotions are upon me. ALL THE FEELS. I can't even seem to make sense or unscramble them all. The excitement and pride of what the boys are becoming, and the joy it brings me to watch their lives unfold is indescribable. I have had a little boy in my house for 15 years straight, just has Hackett was transitioning to a big 2nd grader, Tobin arrived. I got to start it all over, which at the time seemed daunting, but now I see what a gift it was for me. I have had 15 years of sweet snuggles and little boy hands in mine. 15 years of pretend play noises and wanting to be near mom.

Now Tobin has two giant front teeth, and we see him transitioning to this more grown up boy stage right before our eyes. His pretend play still exists, but with his door closed, less animals, and more Star Wars. He now spends hours reading and writing with his imagination. He will be ready for second grade next year, more independence, and all that comes with it. I'm letting go little by little.

And Hackett. One year of high school just days from being done. It's hard to believe he once was little. Now six feet tall with broad shoulders, muscular legs, and deep voice, he could pass for 18. He has come into his own this year. He has overcome trials and celebrated victories and it has been an honor to watch it all from afar.  The texts for rides will end in six months when he gets his license. He is starting to look at colleges, and is asking how to make some of his favorites foods, as he prepares in small ways to leave our home. I'm letting go little by little.

This is what motherhood is, isn't it?  We watch them sleep on our chests and then let them go when we lay them in their cribs.  We watch them toddle while hanging on to our fingers and then we let them go to take steps on their own.  We watch them walk in to school for the first time and then let them go to learn and make new friends.  Our grasp just keeps loosening with each year and each stage.  When we went to the park when the boys were toddlers I would hover, always ready to grab a hand or be ready to catch as they climbed.  They would gain confidence, and I in them, and I would step back.  No longer hoovering and holding, but watching from further and further away.  Little by little.  I'm outside the fence now of Hackett's life, just watching his adventures and confidence grow.  He's leaving the park soon and he will be ready.  I'll let him go and just watch with tears in my eyes, the biggest smile on my face, and pride in my heart.