I have had a day where the weight seems so heavy. The sadness very real. Yesterday, I picked up Hackett from school and after took a mum plant to Koen's grave for the fall season. When I go to Koen's grave by myself, it feels easier, but when both boys are with me I am overcome with the reality that my third boy is missing. That at 35, I change a diaper, pick up Hackett from school, and then go to the cemetery where my second born rests. It's not okay. It's not okay that I have buried a son. Life can feel so light for me at times, and then my heart just shatters all over again in an instant. But I don't fall into pieces, I can't, there is haircut appointments, soccer practice, and dinner. So instead I drive off from the cemetery with dry eyes, because wet cheeks bring out the sadness in Hackett, but quietly in my head, I am haunted by May 27, 2013. Wanting to go back, while at the same time wishing it would go away. But I have to be mom, so drive to the haircut appointment, stop for a bus with flashing lights, and the cars behind me are not paying attention and an accident occurs, that almost included us. My heart racing and my stomach in my throat, I begin thanking God. The two boys in my car are safe. I can not lose another, Jesus. I struggle to shake the images, and they continue to spin in my head as it lay on my pillow last night. There is no rest for the weary, and this morning we go for a follow up dermatologist appointment for Hackett. He had a mole removed a few weeks ago, a mole that by the grace of God I had the doctor check. Today we learn that it was precancerous. Hackett seems to fully grasp the same reality that I have come to know, life is fragile. I held him in the parking lot for 10 minutes as he sobbed primal cries becuase he was sure it would mean his demise, while Tobin looked on from his carseat. I thank God for giving me the words to calm his anxious heart, and Tim Hortons for the doughnut with sprinkles and hot chocolate that gave him the strength to make it to school. My words to him I have had to replay in my own mind, because I can't lose another, Jesus. Since Koen's death, colors are brighter, moments are sweeter, but fear can also grab me at a much quicker speed. I now know intimately how fragile life is.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I have wanted to share pictures of Koen, for sometime. Unsure if its okay. Not sure if I wanted to keep him all for myself. But I have shared him with you, and want you to see the precious Soper boy that doesn't ride in my car with us to school and soccer. I have put a few "safe" pictures first, if you are not interested in seeing him, don't scroll any further. If you would like to meet him, here is my beautiful Koen. Born at 27 weeks, and most likely past a day or two before his delivery. The pictures don't do him justice and I regret not asking for a photographer, but he was beautiful, and perfect. His second toe on one foot sticks up slightly higher than his big toe and third toe - just like both his brothers. I held his tiny hat in my hand today, the hat they gave him that was still too large for his curly top head. I miss him so much. Life is so fragile, my friends, hold your babies close.
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