This week Kevin and I have been tag teaming repainting our deck. Not a project I had planned on helping him with had I still been pregnant. I attempted the power washer a few months ago, but the kick back threw me off balance with my pregnant belly. We had been doing some indoor painting projects earlier this year, but were careful and only used paint with no VOCs. That not being a possibility for the deck paint meant it was off limits for me.
Earlier this week we had a day that was a bit cooler, so I went to work. Working, keeping busy, and accomplishing tasks has felt good to me lately. As I began to paint I was so happy to help Kevin out with this big chore and surprise him with the progress. Sometimes, I forget for small periods of time, and briefly life feels normal and good. I was in the middle of painting thinking about all the things we had done around our new house to transform it to be our own. I thought, "Man, Jackie, you really didn't get done everything you had planned this year". Then reality hit me. I didn't accomplish as much as planned because I was dealing with nausea, low energy, and taking care of myself ... because I was pregnant. The painting project I was happily working on was only happening because I no longer had Koen in my belly. Sometimes I forget, sometimes life feels normal and good, and then I remember and feel like I am being kicked in the chest.
The grief process brings about such a weird range of emotions. In order to move forward I have to let go of the constant thoughts, but when I let go - even for brief periods - guilt and sorrow seem to strike with a vengeance. The reality is I don't want to let go, I don't want to ever let go, but I have to because as much as I would like to I can't bring him back. Koen will always be with me, always have my heart, will always be in my daily thoughts, will always be missed and loved, but life still has to continue on.
I am Jackie.