Leaving the hospital

That morning after our family left the hospital it was just Kevin and I.  I had to get dressed.  I put on the same clothes I had entered the hospital in, but now there was much more room.  My belly had collapsed so quickly.  The nurses processed our discharge, but it seemed so easy that I stopped at the front desk to ensure we were okay to leave.  The nurse knew who we were, and quietly told us we were okay to leave, with pity in her eyes.  I walked towards the elevator and there was a statue with a mom holding a baby.  I just stared at it - heartbroken.  I had arrived 27 hours earlier with contractions, knowing that things were not great, but never believing that I would walk out of the hospital with empty arms and an empty belly.  Koen was gone.  Already at the funeral home.  How did we get here?  Rain was pouring from the skies as we exited the hospital doors.  The heavens were crying with us.  

We went home and all sat around our dining room table to eat fast food.  How weird that seems now, but our bodies needed food.  I took a shower and then went to Koen's room.  His crib was filled with clean clothes that I had just washed.  I wanted him to be buried in something that mommy and daddy had bought for him.  I wanted him to be dressed in the soft cotton snugglies that I had been daydreaming about cuddling him in.  I picked out a sleeper, a little hat that I had bought for him, and the coziest knitted blanket that I loved to snuggle Hackett in when he was a baby.  How quickly the decisions had to be made.  I was not prepared to choose clothes to bury my child in.  Just days before I was working on removing stains from the baby clothes Hackett had worn.  I planned for Koen to live and wear these clothes.  

Kevin and I went to the funeral home.  I had just delivered a baby, but now I was walking, showering, and going to pick out a casket.  The funeral home took good care of us, but the man who helped with our preparations was attempting to make small talk.  We just stared at him blankly.  We were in shock.  We had just set a funeral date for our son.  We now needed to find a pastor from our church to officiate.  It was all moving so fast, but we didn't have the option to slow it down.  This was now our reality.