Celebrate the Sadness
  • Blog

Leaving the hospital

10/28/2013

1 Comment

 

That morning after our family left the hospital it was just Kevin and I.  I had to get dressed.  I put on the same clothes I had entered the hospital in, but now there was much more room.  My belly had collapsed so quickly.  The nurses processed our discharge, but it seemed so easy that I stopped at the front desk to ensure we were okay to leave.  The nurse knew who we were, and quietly told us we were okay to leave, with pity in her eyes.  I walked towards the elevator and there was a statue with a mom holding a baby.  I just stared at it - heartbroken.  I had arrived 27 hours earlier with contractions, knowing that things were not great, but never believing that I would walk out of the hospital with empty arms and an empty belly.  Koen was gone.  Already at the funeral home.  How did we get here?  Rain was pouring from the skies as we exited the hospital doors.  The heavens were crying with us.  

We went home and all sat around our dining room table to eat fast food.  How weird that seems now, but our bodies needed food.  I took a shower and then went to Koen's room.  His crib was filled with clean clothes that I had just washed.  I wanted him to be buried in something that mommy and daddy had bought for him.  I wanted him to be dressed in the soft cotton snugglies that I had been daydreaming about cuddling him in.  I picked out a sleeper, a little hat that I had bought for him, and the coziest knitted blanket that I loved to snuggle Hackett in when he was a baby.  How quickly the decisions had to be made.  I was not prepared to choose clothes to bury my child in.  Just days before I was working on removing stains from the baby clothes Hackett had worn.  I planned for Koen to live and wear these clothes.  

Kevin and I went to the funeral home.  I had just delivered a baby, but now I was walking, showering, and going to pick out a casket.  The funeral home took good care of us, but the man who helped with our preparations was attempting to make small talk.  We just stared at him blankly.  We were in shock.  We had just set a funeral date for our son.  We now needed to find a pastor from our church to officiate.  It was all moving so fast, but we didn't have the option to slow it down.  This was now our reality.  

1 Comment
susan
10/28/2013 12:15:33 pm

I keep learning from you, Jackie. I keep hurting for you.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    I am Jackie.
    I am a child of the one true King.
    I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Kevin. 
    I am a mom to my three sons - Hackett, Koen (my little angel), and Tobin. 
    I am experiencing loss, heartache, and grief.  On May 27, 2013, at 26 weeks and 6 days I went into the hospital with contractions, only to learn that my Koen's sweet little heart had stopped beating.  
    Tobin was born July 8, 2014.
    I am on a journey . . .

    Archives

    May 2019
    April 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    September 2018
    July 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013

    Categories

    All
    How To Help Others
    Koen's Story

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Blog