Today Kevin and I were talking about where something was. I said, "I think its in Koen's room." On Tuesday I will be 15 weeks pregnant, we have made it past the scary first trimester. My belly is popping out and my regular pants are getting tight. We saw LPS in the ultrasound this week looking so much like a healthy, growing, and busy baby. Reality is starting to set in and my faith is growing. I have to believe that we are having this baby. Koen is gone, but this baby is here and alive and well. I need to start preparing for this baby. Koen's room, a room he never got to see with his own eyes, only to experience in utereral, is no longer his room. Preparing the room for our new babyshould fill with me joy, and while there is some joy present, there is also great sadness. The little corner in our house that was his, is no longer. We will never replace him, but in some ways it feels like that is what is happening. Clothes, blankets, swing, bouncy, and little treasures were purchased for Koen. It feels weird. Difficult to explain, but emotionally it is hard to look at those things without thinking of him.
I am filled with so much love for our little LPS. I am awe of how God has blessed us so quickly with this little babe. I am so grateful that He has watched over me and our LPS, and even during some scares, we are okay. I need to make room in my heart and our home for that joyous day in July when this healthy, breathing baby, arrives in the world. I think about that day. Having a child is one of the most emotional days in your life, but I can only imagine the mix of feelings and relief we will feel that day. Emotional will be an understatement. Today, I made a few small strides to start that process of preparing our Pumpkin Seed's room. So much of the decor I chose was orange ... how fitting. Our next ultrasound is scheduled for March 10th and that day we will learn the gender. Maybe on that day I will be able to switch the name from Koen's room to either Tobin's room or Adora's room. Not sure if I am ready for that step today.
Much of the rest of Koen's story is missing in this blog and continues to swirl through my thoughts. I want to finish writing it, so I can keep it, remember it, save it, and continue to grieve it. I pray that I am able to do this soon. I thank you for supporting me in writing as I use this as an outlet to process my many feelings. It has been a blessing to me and I am thankful that I can shed a light on what so many other parents have gone through. xoxo
I am Jackie.