Kevin and I had been excitedly working to prepare Koen's room for him. We remembered that with Hackett the last few months seemed to pass so quickly. Knowing that summer would fly by our plan was to have it done in June.
Koen's room has had many names in our short 18 months in this house. When we first moved in it was the junk room and was the dumping ground for boxes that I didn't want to unpack or things that still needed to find a home. I made it my mission this past fall to tackle the junk room and I conquered it. We decided that it needed a new name now that it was clean of clutter, so we decided to throw some good karma at it and renamed it the clean room. As soon as we knew that we had our Little Muffin it was the baby's room. The weekend after we learned that we were having a boy the painting began on Koen's room. When I was pregnant I would often go to Koen's room, sit in the rocking chair, play one of my favorite lullaby CDs, and dream about holding him in that very place. I was so excited to cozy up with my snuggly little guy, pat his bottom, and kiss his head.
The walls were painted. The crib was assembled just days before Koen's birth. I had gone through all of Hackett's old clothes and onsies, removed stains, washed, organized, and hung them in the closet. A changing table was assembled and on our main floor, baskets already filled with all the necessities. Koen's crib was filled with the newborn clothes I had just washed in Dreft and were waiting to be folded and put in his drawers. We had just cut new foam for the window seat. I just needed to finish some sewing projects. A window seat cover, curtains, wall hanging, a few blankets, and burp cloths - all are prepped and waiting for me in my craft room. We were getting so close to be ready for Koen's arrival.
When I got home from the hospital I sat in the rocking chair again, listened to my favorite lullaby CD, hugged the teddy bear fiercely, and sobbed like I never have before. All those dreams I had would not come true. I told Kevin that I had to finish Koen's room. I couldn't just leave it undone. Having it be so close hurts worse - a reminder of the reality of being so close. I started to fold the sweet little clothes a week later. I worked so slow, not wanting the job to end. It is still left undone, but it won't stay that way. Just this last week we hung some of the pictures on the wall. My maternity clothes now hang over the crib and need to be stored away, but removing them from my closet was hard enough. I will finish Koen's room with a broken heart that it won't be him to fill that space with his sweet little face, but pray that someday I will snuggle a sweet little baby in that rocking chair in that room with yet another new name ...
My view from the rocking chair.
This is where Hackett planned to hang out with Koen and Mommy.
I am Jackie.