First day of school tomorrow. Hackett will be a first grader and I will be teaching. With so much to think about and prepare for, but today all I can think of is Koen. It is often hard for me to find my trigger, but today I think is a combination of many things. Koen was supposed to be here with us now; I envisioned him going with us to drop Hackett off at his first day. Koen will never have a first day school. Koen's marker is now set on his grave after waiting for the cement to cure. I put new flowers at his gravesite this week, as the sweet bright spring flowers were dying (the symbolism was not lost on me). As I was buying the flowers for his grave, I couldn't help but think of all the many things I would have preferred to lovingly purchase for him. I was also reminded of a memory I had early in May. I was excited to meet him all the time, but this one day in particular I could hardly stand it. I was thinking about Koen, not just a baby, but him. What would he be like, what would he look like, what would his personality be like, what would he become, what would make him cry and what would make him smile. The excitement of the new relationship filled my thoughts. I could not wait to have a third man steal my heart. For a lifetime I will wonder about him. I know what he looks like, but I don't know him. How heartbreaking that we never got that opportunity. Life is altered now. I am okay, but forever changed. Koen did steal my heart and he took a large piece of it with him.
I am Jackie.